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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

To Creepy Dudes Everywhere

Dear creepy dudes,
From women everywhere - please stop being creepy. I know you think you are paying us a compliment when you yell from the window of you old child-molester-looking car in the parking lot at Rainbow and say "Hey, thank you! Thanks for bringing those legs with you to the store today!" ... but really you are just making us feel violated and like we never want to leave the house in gym shorts again ever.

I'm sure you think that when you see us reading a textbook on the beach, it would be a nice gesture to call out "Wow - beauty AND brains...that's VERY attractive," thinking that we will feel more beautiful and also think that you truly appreciate us as human beings... but you are wrong. Let me outline very clearly for you the huge gaping hole that exists between your expectations and reality:
EXPECTATION: (what we will say) "Oh wow! I am reading a book so I am probably a nerd and also insecure, and therefore am now a melting puddle of goo at your feet because you paid me a compliment. Not only do you think I am beautiful (who me??) but you also appreciate my intelligence and so you obviously have a deep and meaningful understanding of me as a person. You also ride a bike so you must be very cool and athletic. Let's do it under a tree RIGHT NOW."
REALITY: (what we are thinking) "Ummm...seriously? You honestly think anyone with have a shred of self-respect will buy this? Just walk away, stop staring at me and waiting for this conversation to continue (because it isn't going to) and leave me to my gazillion pages of reading I have to do for Monday. Oh and also, the bike and spandex shorts aren't fooling anyone. You obvioulsy want the ladies such as myself to think that you are athletic and outdoorsy; however, your paunch indicates that you either a) don't ride that bike very often or b) eat about 10 donuts after you do. Run along now. And stop being a creeper."

So creepy dudes, with your biker ponytails and cutoff t-shirts - please just do us all a favor and don't talk ever. Thanks!

Love, the women of the world


  1. To: Women of the world,
    From: Normal guys of Earth
    RE: Creepy dudes

    Dear women of the world,

    We are sorry that you have been forced to continually encounter the lesser members of our species.

    As you are probably aware, there has long been a schism amongst men as regards the best way to approach women. Our organization of average guys, have strived to educate our fellow men to the dangers of creep-itude. However, both the "Homo-Shutthehellupicus" and the "Homo-ohmygodIdidn'trealizeyouweresuchatoolicus" have ignored our pleas (probably because they keep giggling at the "homo" part of their title...but that's another story).

    Please know, that we are doing everything we can to identify areas with heavy concentrations of such undesirables (areas we call: Jackass Hotspots), and will continue to reeducate the ignorant. If you encounter either type of undesirable please, maintain a safe distance and do not attempt to tell them what asses they are because they will take this as a sign that you like them....we can't explain why, they just....ugh...yeah...

    Anyway, please accept our deepest apologies, and thank you for informing us of the situation.

    Normal Guys of Earth


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