You are here for life

So I've been keeping myself fairly busy lately...all good things, but things that take up a lot of my time. Work obviously, and yoga, choir and running, so the usual. Plus I'm joining The Singers Anniversary Chorus for Mozart's Coronation Mass on 2/22, the winter session of Asana Junkies is in full swing, my dear friend Lindsey is coming to town this weekend for my birthday, I'll be spending the following weekend in a workshop with Noah Maze (and that's the weekend of the Singers concert), and the weekend after that, Ben and I are road-tripping to Madison. And I'm subbing for Laura the first two Wednesdays in March. Oh and I'm also legit working part-time(ish) for Minnesota Bach Ensemble now, doing marketing/website/event planning shtuff. So you know... in case I didn't have enough going on already.

It does feel like a lot, but it's also helping me to compartmentalize my life more. When I get home from work, I have to TURN OFF work...and turn on whatever else I'm doing (MBE, yoga, choir, what have you). I know I have a tendency to take on too much (as my friends are constantly reminding me), but this time I'm approaching it as a conscious choice. I'm tired of living out of fear - avoiding taking on things I really want because I tell myself I can't or I don't have time. Bullshit. I will make time. You only get one life, and if you don't fill it with the things you love then what is the damn point.
End rant.
I guess this is my version of leaning in.
And I honestly think what will happen is, my vision of where my life is going and what I want to fill that space with will become clearer and eventually some things will start to fall off. It's already started, at least mentally.

Oh hey, also it is really cold here in Minnesota. My dad keeps saying it's "just like the olden days of winter, back when men were men and we walked to school both ways through 80 feet of snow bla bla bla"...ok so obviously those were not his exact words, but you get the general point. That statement is in fact FALSE. This is officially the coldest winter we've had in something like 30 years, so no, every winter did not used to be like this. Turn off your selective memory.

In a related story, here is the view out the window of my office building...delightful:

Welcome to MN, where the people are tall and...
the snowdrifts are even taller

Continuing on with random photos of my life...Ben and I went to Macbeth at MN Opera a couple of weeks ago!

excitement for the scottish...italian...play...opera? thing.

Also, this was in Rice Park. Worth posting, I thought.

And here is me, working from home. These are the days...when anything goes.

Someday, I will forget how to dress professionally and will wear holey jeans into the office..

I've been doing some quality reading lately, as well - John Eliot Gardiner's biography of Bach, and the third installment of The Lunar Chronicles. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite young adult series - basically, it's fairy tales set in the future, in space. Each book adds a new major character, and manages to cleverly re-tell the fairy tale for that character (Cinderella, Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel...and the final volume is Snow White), while still keeping the overarching story rolling and looping the new characters into the existing main cast. Plus, the female protagonists are quite bad-ass: Cinder is a cyborg mechanic who ends up basically leading a revolution, Scarlet is a pilot and Cress is a technology prodigy. Yes, I realize you probably had trouble taking this recommendation seriously after the words "Cinderella is a cyborg mechanic"...or possibly "fairy tales set in the future in space" and yes it sounds totally weird, but I am really loving this series.

(sidebar - one of my yoga friends joined goodreads recently, and after looking at my shelves is accused me of never reading anything light. Clearly he has not seen my extensive shelf of childrens and YA lit.)

Bach was one sassy cantor

Sometimes...you just need this in your life. YA lit FTW.

Also last weekend, I went to Wits for the first time! I sort of describe Wits as...Prairie Home Companion for a younger audience. I've listened to it a bunch on the radio but had never been to a live show before. This installment featured Andy Richter, with musical guest Neko Case. There was a recurring bit with Abe Lincoln's Ghost, Tom Waits and Morrissey doing commercials and it made me legit laugh out loud. Multiple times. Highly recommend.

AND Theoroi got to go backstage! So fun.

Had to take this photo - brick at Wits signed by one of Ben and my favorite bands (Storyhill)

Hmmm OK. Well, I have a 7am call tomorrow so I should probably get some sleep.  Hope you are having a lovely week!!

we are all connected

"In daily life, we are often lost in thought. We get lost in regrets about the past and fears about the future. We get lost in our plans, our anger, and our anxiety. At such moments, we cannot really be here for ourselves. We are not really here for life." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Fun With Introversion

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A friend on FB just posted this article from Huffington Post: "23 Signs You're Secretly an Introvert." In my case I'm not sure it's really a secret...I can fool people occasionally though. I'm pretty close to the introvert/extrovert line but ultimately, definitely an introvert. Some of these I can really relate - some of them not so much, but here they are for your reference. If you're also an introvert, I'd be curious to know which of these apply to you and which don't - all of us are introverted in different ways ;)

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome

Yep. I like chatting with and getting to know people - in the break room at work for example. But if it becomes obvious the conversation isn't going to become anything substantial I'm just like "welp see ya." There's one person in particular who I always have really interesting conversations with - we've never worked even worked together, but we'll go on forever about our philosophy on food, her time living in New Mexico, family drama, all sorts of things and I love talking to her. But if it's someone who's like "sure is hot out today!" then...no.

2. You go to parties -– but not to meet people

Absolutely true. I LOVE hanging out with my friends, especially in small groups. Even going out is fun if I'm with people I trust and feel comfortable with, but spending a lot of time with people I don't know is very draining.

3. You often feel alone in a crowd

Yes, but not in a bad way. I feel like an observer, but I like observing so it's all good.

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony

"Networking (read: small-talk with the end goal of advancing your career) can feel particularly disingenuous for introverts, who crave authenticity in their interactions."

YES. Yes yes yes. My MBA orientation was almost entirely networking, and it just exhausted the hell out of me. Those were honestly the most stressful two weeks of my life. I would not do it over again if you paid me.

5. You've been called "too intense."

This really depends. In most situations (i.e. at work) I hide my intensity pretty well but there is a LOT going on under the surface, even when I seem laid back. People who know me well know that I am definitely intense.

6. You're easily distracted.

Ha. Yes. Just ask my husband. There are times when I'll just get up and leave in the middle of a conversation because something occurred to me and I need to take care of it right that second, or I'll derail an entire conversation. 

7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you

Totally true. Downtime is essential.

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards

Absolutely true

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle

Hahaha completely yes. I never even thought of this as an introverted characteristic, but yeah...I automatically go to an end or a corner.

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long

This is especially true if I'm at a party with a lot of people I don't know, or out at a bar or someplace crowded. All of a sudden it's like a switch flips and I just kind of zone out. Not because I want to, but because my energy is zapped and once that happens there's really no coming back from it. I just have to go home.

11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert

Big miss on this one. Not even close - Ben is probably more introverted than I am, although outwardly he seems more gregarious. I dated an extrovert once and it was actually really difficult for our relationship because he didn't understand why I sometimes would rather stay in than go out all the time, and I think he thought I was anti-social or mopey or there was something wrong with me. Which may actually have been because he was an asshole and not because he was an extrovert, now that I think about it.

12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything

Yep. When I do something, I do it 100% which is why I don't have a lot of 'hobbies.' My passions almost become like part time jobs. I guess I just don't see the point of doing something at all if I'm just going to half-ass it.

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation

Not sure this one really applies.

14. You screen all your calls -- even from friends

Not if I'm expecting a call from them.

15. You notice details that others don't

Possibly?

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue

Definitely. Think first, talk later.

17. You have low blood pressure

Yep

18. You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s

Not really...I've actually been told I seem young at heart?

19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings

I do at concerts. Otherwise no.

20. You look at the big picture

Yep

21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”

Annoyingly, yes. At a grad school party, one of my classmates (after several drinks) started telling me to "just relax and be myself!" I was like...this is myself. Sorry. Obviously this person wasn't a close friend. Oddly though a lot of my closest friends from that time are extroverts.

I also had a college professor tell me that "when you talk, you always have such good things to say! you should talk more" to which I mentally responded...well I only talk when I feel like I have something valuable to say. I'd rather not talk much but have meaningful contributions, than talk all the time just for the sake of talking but without really saying anything at all.

22. You’re a writer

Case in point

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity

For sure

Well this has been lovely. Once again it's almost past my bedtime! Night :)

Bus Stop Miracles

I've slowly come to realize that probably 85% of my ability to function as an adult human is dependent on the sheer kindness of the people around me who do not steal my crap when I leave it lying around everywhere.

Generally, I am an extremely thorough person. On any project I'm working on, I will make sure absolutely every scenario is covered, no stone is left unturned and all details are accounted for. But at the same time, I have a tendency toward extreme flakiness that just refuses to be defeated. Forget my mat at the yoga studio for 3 consecutive weeks? Sure. Leave my car keys in a coffee shop (but remember everything else I am carrying)? Why the heck not. Abandon my driver's license at a random table in the airport? You bet. Each and every one of these things has been returned to me, and I have given up on trying to explain how or why this happens.

It's never going to change. Trust me. And don't even tell me I am being defeatist because there is a big, big difference between being defeatist and being realistic about who I am. I will always love reading more than big parties. I will always be able to memorize a piece of music after singing it two to three times, and I will always forget whatever I am carrying the second I put it down.

My parents are not convinced of this. They really and truly believe that if I develop the right 'system' I'll never forget anything again. Nope. False. I'll just forget the system. For example, getting into my office requires an access badge. If this badge is not in my purse when I leave my house in the morning, I will forget it, guaranteed. In order to make sure this doesn't happen, I take off my badge and put it in my purse every day as I'm leaving the building. The further I get from my desk still wearing the badge, the more dramatically my chances of remembering it in the morning decrease. The system works probably 80% of the time, but without it I'd be batting 200. So no, it's not perfect, but in most circles a 4X improvement is nothing to sniff at. I'll never get to 100%. No system on this earth is ever going to make this happen. Ever. ....Ever. Just deal with it.

During grad school, I took the bus to campus every day and most of the time, I managed to get off the bus with the same amount of stuff I was carrying when I got on the bus (OK aside from one umbrella. Possibly two umbrellas). It was a minor miracle.

However.

One day, during the spring of my first year, I got off the bus, walked into the building and immediately realized that my purse, which I had definitely been carrying when I left my apartment, was no longer on my person. First, I panicked. Then I immediately called metro transit (thankfully my phone had been in my jacket pocket and not in my purse) and spent probably 20-30 minutes being transferred from department to department, trying to contact someone who could tell me whether my purse was still on the bus. Finally, they got ahold of the driver and discovered that nope, my purse was not on the bus.

This is my friend Lindsey and me, probably 3 years ago. Pictured on the table is the offending purse

I cannot even describe what an idiot I felt like at that moment. I had let my attention wander for one second, and now I was completely hosed. I had no money to buy lunch. I had no way of getting home because my cash and my bus pass were in my wallet, and even if I had been able to get home I didn't have keys to get in the building, or car keys to drive anywhere else. I also knew I needed to call the bank and cancel my credit card and debit card, but all the information I needed in order to do so was...inside my locked apartment. Delightful.

Just as I had resigned myself to failure and an afternoon spent on the phone with the bank/at the DMV, I decided to check Facebook for some unknown reason. (kidding, I know exactly what the reason is. Facebook is addicting). I had one new message in my inbox. It was someone I had never met - a medical resident at the University Fairview hospital who wanted to let me know she'd found my purse. I had left it not on the bus like I thought, but at the BUS STOP IN UPTOWN, which is kind of even worse??!?

Not only had this lovely person found my purse before some shady person happened across it, but she also happened to be going to roughly the same destination (the U), AND she was an Ole. We hadn't known each other well but we had a number of mutual friends. Of all the bus stops in all the world, etc.

Don't get me wrong - I have lost things. See the aforementioned umbrellas, my favorite scarf from college (left on an elevator in NYC), my yoga mat strap (left at the studio and I'm pretty sure this one was an accident since it is the same damn black lululemon strap that everyone and their mom has), and I'm sure more that I can't remember. But thankfully, nothing too important (yet).

Anyway. All this to say, it can be hard to find that balance between believing in the essential goodness of people with the reality of the appalling things that we are capable of doing to each other, stealing purses being among the more minor offenders. Beautiful strangers have saved my ass too many times to count. All I can do is keep trying to pay it forward.

The universe took my car keys

“All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark.” - Swami Vivekananda

Life has a funny way of getting us to where we need to be. Remember when you were little and your parents prevented you from making stupid decisions? Like telling you you can't order that third roast beef sandwich at Arby's because it will probably make you puke, or taking take your book away because even through you think we can read while crossing a busy street, they know you will probably die.

(Just me?

Yep. Probably just me. )

When we're little, we don't always have the reasoning skills to understand the difference between what we want and what we need, so our parents make them for us. We might hate them at the time, but later we look back and think "OK that was probably the right call."

A few months ago, I thought I wanted something. I went after it. It didn't work out. I was upset, but part of me also knew that deep down it didn't feel right. The timing was wrong, the direction was wrong, and my motivations were wrong. I was making a decision based on a lot of raw and negative emotion.  I just wanted to get out of the pose because the pose was hard and shitty and I didn't know when the timer would go off, or if it ever would. Basically I was trying to drunk-drive my life and the universe went 'NOPE. Girl you are in no condition.'

So I stayed in the pose. I decided to really commit and be present, and give 100% to being where I was and suddenly everything transformed. Remember that post I wrote a few weeks ago about not giving up on something just because it's hard? Well I suck at taking my own advice. As it turns out, I was already exactly where I needed to be.Thanks Universe.

My mom is from Montana, so I listened to a lot of country music growing up. Lately I can't stop thinking about this Garth Brooks song called "Unanswered Prayers". It's about a guy who goes to a high school reunion with his wife and runs into his old girlfriend. He thinks about how much he wanted her back in the day, how hard he prayed that they would be together, and ultimately how thankful he is that things didn't work out because if they had, he never would have met his wife.

Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers
Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care
Some of God’s greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.

Or, put another way:

Oh, you can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find

You get what you need

The last few weeks have been one of the most simultaneously humbling and inspiring times of my entire life. So far, 2013 has been one big lesson in what can happen if you just let go of expectations and commit to being where you are.

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Yoga is not relaxing

A couple of weeks ago, I joined the Asana Junkies practice group with one of my favorite yoga teachers and writers, Christina Sell.  Every week, Christina gives us a new sequence, and hosts a webinar to discuss our experience with practicing that sequence and provides an open forum for discussion.

Dudes, these sequences are hard. 

Like, really hard.

Not because they involve crazy advanced poses, but because they challenge your stamina and willpower by asking you to hold postures for a really long-ass time.  Just to give you an idea, the first week's sequence started out with a 5-minute headstand, four 1-minute handstands, and there are ten backbends.  Ten.  Five urdhva dhanurasanas and five dwi pada viparitta dandasanas, one minute each.

Urdhva Dhanurasana

dwi pada viparitta dhandasana
( I'm working it with bent legs similar to Urdhva. 
None of this straight legs nonsense)

While attempting to practice this sequence, I learned a number of things:

• What I think is one minute, is actually about 20 seconds
• The above statement is especially true in pavritta trikonasana
• I cannot do four 1-minute handstands in a row
• But, I can rock a 5 minute headstand
• Pinca Mayurasana is still really, really hard

Most importantly, though, I learned what happens when you push through the point when you would normally give up.  And then you push through it again.  And again.  And over and over for 2 hours.  The thing is, if you stay in the pose long enough there's sometimes this moment of transformation, like breaking through a wall, and you discover a whole new depth to a pose you thought you already knew.

In a related story, I feel like there's this myth that doing yoga is basically stretching while listening to relaxing music and feeling blissed out.  I know this misconception exists, because while leaving class I have occasionally heard gripes such as "Um, that was NOT relaxing"  - the implication being that hey, I thought yoga was all peaceful but that was REALLY HARD and I kind of just wanted to do tree pose and you made me do all of this difficult shit and now I am PISSED.

I'm not sure how this myth got started exactly, because on what planet is this supposed to be relaxing:

Sure, BKS Iyengar...sure.

I think it might have something to do with the numerous articles asserting that yoga is some miracle cure that will magically relieve stress and anxiety, quiet your mind, and focus your energy.

[quick aside - for the next couple of paragraphs I'm going to use the word "Yoga" when what I really mean is Asana.  I think when most people think of Yoga, they think of Asana practice and I realize the two are not interchangable but that's how we're going to roll for a few minutes]

Yoga does do these things - not because it is inherently relaxing, but because it is inherently stressful.  Balancing upside down on your head is not relaxing.  Twisting into a pretzel is not relaxing.  The mental benefits are derived from working to stay calm and centered while in these difficult positions. 

Think about it.  It doesn't make sense to think that we could learn to manage stress by staying relaxed in a comfortable situation. In order to grow in our capacity to stay grounded in stressful situations, we have to practice...staying grounded in stressful situations.

I recently came across this Psychology Today article, which explains how we form new neural pathways by re-training our brain.  The fight or flight response is somewhat innate, but it can be changed by the repeated action of a new response.  Learning to breathe deeply and quiet your mind while sitting on your couch watching The Bachelor is very different than learning to breathe deeply and quiet your mind while you are twisted into a pretzel and hovering over the floor.


A few weeks ago, I heard a story on NPR about the different ways in which Asian and U.S. cultures approach the experience of struggle and challenge.  In the U.S., we see struggle as a sign of low intelligence, and assume that being smart means you will "get it" right away.  In Asian cultures, struggling is seen as a sign of mental fortitutde.

"In Eastern cultures, Stigler says, it's just assumed that struggle is a predictable part of the learning process. Everyone is expected to struggle in the process of learning, and so struggling becomes a chance to show that you, the student, have what it takes emotionally to resolve the problem by persisting through that struggle."

When my husband comes home after a day of work with yet another story of a student who didn't hand in his or her work because they "couldn't do it," my immediate reaction is usually "bah, kids these days don't understand responsibility, no work ethic blah blah blah..."

But what if what we're seeing isn't laziness or lack of accountability, but instead the natural result of a culture that has stopped teaching our children that it's OK to struggle?  That writes people off if they do not immediately grasp a concept or produce a deliverable the right way?  I've seen this happen both at school and at work, and it is so unfortunate, because the people who have to work the hardest to get where they need to be, often end up being just as good if not better than those who 'get it' right away. 

Not to generalize (ok, that was a lie I am totally generalizing), but we are a nation that looks for easy fixes to our problems.  Exercise that doesn't make you tired, diets where you can eat whatever you want, and I think it's given us the impression that nothing should be hard and if it is, you're just not good at it or you're doing it wrong.

Just to bring everything full circle, yoga can teach us how to struggle skillfully.  It puts us in a place that is not comfortable, and then challenges us to work through that feeling.  By repeating this process, we can literally re-wire our brain to respond differently under stress.

Yes, you can absolutely go to a very meditative place while practicing asana - I can and often do. But the path to getting to that place is not always smooth, and you can't expect to get there every single time. Sometimes you feel blissful, and sometimes you are yelling expliatives at Elena Brower during a Yogaglo webcast while she makes you hold ardha chandrasana for a thousand years. Such is life.

Yoga is not not a magical cure-all. Just like any effort that fosters growth and transformation, it is not easy.  It's not supposed to be easy. The poses are just poses - if you want yoga to change your life, you have to do the work.

The wisdom to know the difference

I've been living with the serenity prayer a little bit lately.  It's really amazing how every time I think I understand the concept of understanding the difference between the things in my life that I can control vs. those that I can't, life proves me wrong and I suddenly get it on a whole other level.  I've also decided that the Serenity Prayer in and of itself is not enough.  Fine, so you know the difference - now what are you going to do about it?

This might be a little disjointed, I apologize.

I grew up believing that if I was in a critical situation and wasn't losing sleep over it, it meant that I didn't care.  Over the last few years, I've realized that mindset is ridiculous.  If you can change the situation, stop worrying and do something about it.  If you can't do anything...then you can't do anything so why worry?  Do the best you can with what you do have control over, and for the other stuff it's best to make peace with whatever happens.
For a long time I wanted to change who I was.  I've always been shy and introverted, and the heightened empathy that comes with my INFJ personality means that I am sometimes ridiculously sensitive. I take everything on my own shoulders and tend to beat myself up over imperfections.

I wanted to be more outgoing, more of a party person. I wanted to be more extroverted, tougher, more detached.  I thought that if I just pretended I was all of those things, I could become not me anymore, but I usually just ended up sort of lost and confused.

Paradoxically, once I accepted that some things about me were just never going to change, I felt more empowered to become the best version of myself.  I will always be overly sensitive and nostalgic.  I will always be introverted. I will always forget my keys when I run out the door, and I will always, always have stiff hips.

Which brings me back to - so what?  I have the wisdom to realize that I shouldn't beat myself up over a biological tendency that is out of my hands, but it's how I live with that realization that really matters.  Do I sit in class and go "nope, can't do hip openers because my hips suck."  Or do I recognize that my work is deeper and takes longer, be forgiving of myself but keep doing the work anyways.

Our weaknesses are usually just the other side of our strengths.  My empathy and sensitivity is what allows me to develop deep friendships.  It makes me good at what I do because I intuitively get where people are coming from and what they need.  My preference for reading rather than acting, means that when I do have to drive results, I already have a thorough understanding of the situation.  My sense of perfectionism that makes me always question myself, also means that whenever I decide to do something, I go for it 150%.

Sometimes, major decisions that affect our lives are made by someone we've never seen and whose actions we can't control.  All we can do is be here now and commit 100% to the present moment with integrity and strength, while at the same time giving up our expectation for results. 

When people feel out of control in a high-pressure situation, they start doing weird things to try and steer the outcome.  Usually we lash out at each other and start throwing people under the bus.  The desire for teamwork tends to go straight out the window. I've seen this firsthand, it is not awesome.

Realistically, anything can change in our lives at any moment.  Someone I love could be taken from me, I could lose my job, my house, all of my possessions at literally any second.  Practicing detachment is a good exercise.  I don't mean detachment in the sense of not caring - I will always care, it's just part of who I am.  But there is a difference between caring and being attached to results.  Attachment is what usually causes all the arguing and under-the-bus throwing. 

In summary:  Live right now with integrity, don't worry about what happens next because most of the time you have no control over it.  Also, you are who you are, but your weaknesses can also be your strengths.  Don't think you have to be someone else, have more money or more success, in order to love yourself - you can do it right now.

There is no spoon

In January 2011, I walked into the first weekend of the Anusara Immersion with an open heart and absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.  Until October of that same year I had never even heard of Anusara Yoga, and my decision to sign up for the immersion was pretty much based on "100 hours of yoga, that sounds fun LET'S DO IT UP" rather than any understanding of what I was embarking on.  I was a poor grad student - I didn't really have $1500, but somehow I found it.  There were so many finals and projects - I didn't really have time to spend entire weekends immersed in the Tattvas, inner spiral, and discussions of the Gita but somehow I found it.

I walked out of the immersion a different person. I can't adequately express in words the shifts that took place in me over the course of those six months, so I won't even try.  Above all, the most amazing gift I received from the Anusara Immersion was the community and the amazing people I met.  We laughed together, we cried together, we balanced upside down together, and when we came out the other side we were changed, and we were a family.

This week my teacher resigned her Anusara license.  If you've followed yoga news at all you're probably aware of all the shenanigans that have gone down with John Friend and Anusara Yoga since February.  If not, check out the Elephant Journal archives or any number of blogs, I won't get into the gory details here.

I've been grieving on-and-off for Anusara for the last few months - for the slow falling apart of the community, and for the pain I was sure my teachers were going through.  But at the same time, we still practiced the UPAs, and we still sang the invocation before every class which made it easier to stay in denial.

It's hard not to feel like now, Anusara is really gone.  For some reason, the invocation has been the hardest piece to let go of.  I guess that as a musician, this shouldn't surprise me but after a long stressful day at work, singing those four simple lines I felt like my heart was coming home.

For me, that chant will always be love, possibility, and memories of some of the best six months I can remember.  It's the music that tied us together.  For my teachers, that chant has totally different and complex associations.  It's like this one picture - we're looking at the same thing, but to me it's a rabbit and to you it's a duck.

WHAT ARE YOU

I know Anusara isn't gone - it exists independently of John Friend, of trademarks and licenses.  One thing that's become clear to me since everything blew up in February is that what Anusara is to me, is totally not what it is to someone else.  To one person, Anusara is John Friend.  To another, Anusara is the last fiftneen years of their lives and it's very complicated.  To another, it's a wiccan cult where everyone wears rose-colored glasses and sings Kumbayah for hours on end.  This doesn't make my experience (or theirs) any less real.

Like many things in life, our experience with Anusara is what makes it real.  I'm sticking with my teachers and my community regardless of what brand or label they practice. I am so grateful for the immersion - for the way it changed me and for the friends I found there.  For me, Anusara will always be this time, and these peeps:

There is no spoon.  There is no Anusara.  There's just yoga.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

Satcitananda Murtaye

Nisprapancaya Shantaya

Niralambaya Tejase

I honor the true teacher who resides within me and all things

Who embodies truth, consciousness and bliss

Who is never absent and is full of peace

Illuminating all with divine light

This has been cheesy.  Thanks for reading, goodnight :)

The Leap

This past weekend's workshop with Noah Maze was, as expected, awesome.  My shin muscles are sore.  I'm not sure how that is possible exactly, but it means I'm working my shins so that is good I think?  Anywhoo... five hours on Saturday (hand balances, twists and hip openers) and three hours on Sunday (backbends...lots and lots of backbends...).  Eight hours of pure awesome.

It's always hard to recap a workshop.  I cant really put into words the internal and shift that takes place during some of these weekends, and sometimes putting my inner experience with yoga so openly on the internet feels a little to exposed.  It's easier to hone in on one key idea or takeaway and pull it out, like a single golden thread from a complex tapestry.

The weekend was structured around the story of Hanuman, the moneky god who leaped across the ocean to rescue Rama's wife Sita from the demon king Ravana, and who had the power to shapeshift and become as large or as small as he wanted.  

In the Ramayana, Hanuman took two leaps - the first to the sun, and the second to Sri Lanka.  Hanuman took his first leap because he saw the sun, thought it was a juicy ripe mango, and decided hey I would like to eat that.  I can't really blame him...I mean, mango right?  Delicious.  Anyway, this caused some drama and Hanuman ended up being struck down to earth by Indra.

Hanuman's second leap, the leap to Sri Lanka, came during his journey to find Sita.  Hanuman is with a group of buddies looking for Sita, and encounters a slight obstacle in his search - the ocean.  Hanuman feels defeated and believes that his mission to find Sita has failed; but, just when he wants to give up, his friend Jambavantha reminds him who he is.  He sings Hanuman's praises, and Hanuman remembers his own powers and leaps across the ocean.

Wheeeeeee

As children, we aren't afraid to leap for the sun.  We don't yet realize that if we take a huge risk,  we might get burned.  I love watching kids play because they just throw caution to the wind.  They might fall down and scrape their knee but they aren't thinking about that when they try to do a backflip off of the swing set.  All that matters is the joy of being airborne.

As we get older, we lose that sense of infinte possibility.  We forget our own power.  I think this is partly because the stakes get higher, and by the time we reach the ocean we've experienced what it feels like to leap for the sun and be struck back down to earth.  We know from experience that we need to be skillful and cautious in deciding whether we are up to the task of leaping across the ocean.  To overestimate our ability is to fall in the ocean and drown.

But, I think we also need a to be reminded of our own vast capabilities.  Sometimes we see a mango, and we think it's the sun - we only see all the ways in which we might get burned.  But what if this time, it really is a mango and we are too afraid to leap?

Yoga is my constant reminder to play.  It's OK to fall out of handstand, because it means you tried.  And because you tried, it means that some part of you knows you are capable of balancing in handstand.

Through asana, yoga has taught me that things I once thought were impossible are completely within the realm of my ability as long as I keep doing the work.  When I started practicing two and a half years ago I could barely touch my toes and was struggling to master bakasana.  Now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in hanumanasana, and arm balances are some of my favorite poses.

Yoga is also my constant reminder to bring my best self to the table.  It reminds me to be grateful, even when gratitude is hard to find.  Forgiving, even when I am frustrated or angry.  The ability is always there, I just need to remind myself tand let that part of me rise to the occasion when obstacles and challenges come up.

And sure, occasionally the best version of myself falls out of handstand...but sometimes that's just what happens when you go for the mango.  No big deal.

Our First Valentine's Day

Totally meant to post this yesterday, but then got distracted by more important things. Oh well!

This could go one of two ways, really.  Today is Ben and my first Valentine's as a married couple so in that sense it's a first....but the reason this time of year is really special to me is because it reminds me of our first Valentine's Day together.

Ben and I started dating right before Valentine's Day - and by "right before" I actually mean right before.  Like a couple of days before.  And by "started dating" I actually mean, we finally admitted that we were totally in love with each other after several months of skirting around the issue and pretending like it was no big deal and we were just super close friends (which we were, and still are).

Basically, for those of you who don't know us IRL, Ben and I have been friends since we were 18.  We met in our freshman dorm and had a few classes together.  In addition to being part the same close-knit group of friends, we were good friends independently.  We watched baseball together, exchanged young adult lit books, analyzed Harry Potter, and left ridiculous things in each other's on-campus mailboxes.  Giving Ben a hug and saying goodbye was what finally made me cry on Graduation/moving out day.  In college, the idea that Ben might like me as more than a friend never even occurred to me.  Because I am an idiot.

Just friendz!!

After graduation I moved to the bay area for a few months.  Shortly after I returned to Minneapolis, Ben took off for a two-year teaching stint at a boarding school in north India.  We kept in touch the whole time over the phone, email and g-chat, and had long and often hilarious conversations.  He and I both went through some personal rough patches during those three years, but despite being many thousands of miles apart we always had each other to lean on.

At some point while all of this was going on, I had dinner with my friend Rachel.  Well, I probably had dinner with Rachel multiple times, but one particular dinner stands out in the context of this story.  We were just chatting away, enjoying our meals when out of nowhere Rachel goes "BTW how come you and Ben never dated?"  It was honestly the first time this had occurred to me, but I couldn't think of a good answer.  I started reading back through our emails and letters, wondering if I'd missed some obvious hints of his feelings towards me (I had), and thinking that maybe there was really something there.

When Ben moved back to Minneapolis in June 2008, we started spending a LOT of time together.  We had regular viewings of LOST and Ken Burns' Baseball, both of which usually involved freshly-baked cookies and long conversations.  The more we hung out just the two of us, the more I began to realize just what an amazing guy he was.  By October I knew I was falling in love with him, but wasn't sure what to do about it.  There were several complicating factors, including the fact that he was my best friend.  If I made a move and turned out to be wrong about his feelings towards me, I risked losing him completely.

Finally, around the first week of February 2009 (yes, it actually took us that long.  I realize this is ridiculous), I became pretty convinced that my feelings were reciprocated.  Ben was dog-sitting for his aunt and uncle and invited me over for dinner and a LOST/movie marathon.  He cooked an amazing dinner for me, poured a ton of wine, and we stayed up into the wee hours watching movies, and then talking after the movie supply ran out.  Eventually I decided that it was probably late, and I should be getting home.  I thought it was maybe 2 or 3am, but quickly realized that it was actually 6am.

As I was leaving, we shared a hug that turned into a longer hug....and then it just started to linger wayyyy too long, and it really seemed like one of us should say something. Instead I eloquently blurted out: "umkgottagobye!" and ran to my car.  Classy.

I still remember that as one of the best nights of my life.

We had another Ken Burns night planned a few days later.  At this point I figured we had reached the point of no return and the whole "I'm in love with you" thing just needed to be addressed.  We had stayed up all night talking.  He wined and dined me, and looked into my eyes several times in a way that went far beyond friendship.  We had an awkward lingering hug.  To not say something at this point would have been just silly.

Waiting for Ben to come over that night was one of the most nerve-wracking hours of my life.  I made a batch of cookies, and then another batch.  I paced around the apartment, probably talking to myself.  I had a scotch.  I ate a few cookies.  I debated having another scotc, but decided on more cookies instead. I paced some more.

When he finally showed up, the scotch had at least taken the edge off and I was able to converse in a somewhat normal manner.  We talked about our days, ate a few more cookies and poured some wine, and then sat down to watch Ken Burns.

This next part, I'm not sure whether I should be to embarrased to post...but here goes.  If you needed more proof that I am a ridiculous sap, look no further.

I was just watching the documentary, drinking my wine and loving life until we reached the point where Ty Cobb passes away.  If you're not familiar with Ty Cobb, he was a shortstop for the Tigers in the early 20th century.  He was an amazing and hugely influential ball player, but he was also kind of a racist asshat.  Shortly before his death, Cobb said (in front of a backdrop of sepia-toned photos and old-timey nostalgic music that only Ken Burns can provide) that if he could do it all over again, he wished he would have had more friends.

I was GONE.  I started tearing up almost immediately, and Ben quickly leaned over to give me a hug.  It was another longgggg hug...and then we pulled apart and looked at each other.  And then he kissed me. 

And that is how Ben and I started dating.  Because I felt bad for racist, friendless Ty Cobb. 
True story.

Valentine's day was a few days after that, and surprisingly neither of us felt awkward about immediately planning to spend the day together.  It just seemed obvious.  Ben had a part-time bartending gig at the time, and he Valentine's.  So, he made me lunch in the afternoon, and then came back later (around 11pm) for ice cream and a movie night.  I remember how nervous he was as he threw beer-marinated chicken on the grill for our lunch, and how sweet it seemed to me.  I remember waiting anxiously for him to come over that night, not even caring that I had to get up early the next morning for choir - I just wanted to see him.

So, this was supposed to be a story about our first Valentine's, but it ended up being basically the whole story of how we started dating.  Oops!

Hope you all have (had) a lovely day!

Living The Questions, Con't: Intention vs. Result

“The wise man lets go of all results, whether good or bad, and is focused on the action alone.  Yoga is skill in action.” ~ Bhagavad Gita

I'm still pretty pumped up from the workshop this weekend - even though I'm pretty sore I was actually planning on going to class tonight.  But...then I remembered that have to fast for 12 hours because I'm getting my cholesterol and blood sugar measured tomorrow at 7:30, and if I went to class I wouldn't be able to eat dinner until 8:30 or later.  So...the universe has spoken.  Instead I'm sitting at home writing a blog about Kant.

This was actually sort of the entry I'd been meaning to write yesterday but then I went off on a tangent about vasistasana and never returned.  I've been thinking a lot about the relationship (or not) between intention and result, and how this relates to life both on and off the mat.  This pretty much ties back to my chatturanga/cobra example from yesterday, and the relationship of the inner alignment to the outer form.

Whenever I think about intention vs. result I think about a thought experiment my professor ran by us while we were studying Kant.  Yep...Kantian philosophy.  Letting the freak flag fly today.  And as long as we're at it, senior year three of my friends and I organized a game of what was essentially Philosophy Taboo.  The ligntning round involved one of us reading a passage from either Edmund Burke or Thomas Paine, and you had to guess who wrote it. 

The coolest people alive, probably

I'm pretty sure the following anecdote is something Professor Langerak just pulled out of his brain for us to noodle on and not actually from Kant, but here goes:  ay a King has two servants, and he sends them both into town to look for...something very important to him.  I can't remember what it was.  Let's say his puppy ran away and they're looking for the King's lost puppy.

I'm so alone...

Servant 1 wants to do a good job, so he looks high and low for the puppy, tracking down all sorts of leads and doing some serious puppy-detective work, but try as he might he comes home at the end of the day empty-handed.  Servant 2 is a lazy bastard and doesn't really give a shit about puppies, so instead of looking he goes to the tavern for a drink.  When he leaves, he coincidentally sees the puppy sitting right outside the door!  Hooray!  Servant 2 returns home triumphantly with the puppy.

Who should be rewarded?  In my mind and in Kant's, the answer is pretty obvious - live with intention, don't worry about the result.  There are definitely arguments against this; for example, good intentions can sometimes lead to bad or harmful results and vice versa.  

I guess my counter-argument would be that the reason good intentions lead to bad results is that the situation was misunderstood or only partially understood.  If someone takes an action with the best of intentions but lacks a key piece of information, and something bad happens that was not intended, we can usually figure out what went wrong and decide to fix it in the future.  If someone does something that will result in harm, and they fully realize that something bad will happen and in fact want this to happen, that's a totally different situation.  No amount of education or evaluation will make that person change their mind.  They know, they just don't care.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine told me about a situation at her work that is a great example of this.  They had an opening for a high-ranking position within the organization, and one of the people on the search committee - we'll call them Pat - had their eye on the position.  Pat had in fact been led to believe that they were being groomed for the position and that they were basically entitled to it.  However, the procedures and ethics of the organization called for a formal search process.

The reality is, Pat was not a good fit for the position.  They had neither the expertise nor the experience - so instead of doing what was right for the organization, Pat used their position of power to manipulate the process in order to set themselves up for getting the job.  Having that job was more important to Pat than doing the right thing, either ethically or for the health of the organization. Luckily some colleagues figured out what was going on and put a stop to it - but the aftermath was almost worse because Pat felt so entitled, and ended up hurting a lot of people in their attempt to get what they wanted.

Going after form before action is like trying to build a flimsy house on a fault line - when the ground shakes, everything falls apart.

When we're misaligned in yoga, we don't necessarily hurt others but we can hurt ourselves, mentally and physically.  I am a pretty competetive person by nature, and I don't mean that in the sense that I'm always trying to be better than everyone (except in competetive charades - then I am in it to win it), but more that I have a tendency to look at myself in comparison to others and think: "Why can't I do that? What's wrong with me?"  When I first began my yoga practice in 2009, I would look at someone doing a perfect Urdhva Danuarasana and all I could see was how lame I looked in comparison.  I tried to muscle myself into poses I wasn't ready for, just because I didn't want to look like a complete loser.  In that mindset, it was hard to see the shri in someone else's practice, because they were a mirror of my own failure.

It's really easy to get injured practicing this way, and I think a lot of people probably do.  What Anusara taught me was that the building blocks of the pose are more important than the final form.  For example, in Trikonasana, keeping the front leg straight and the spine lengthened is much more important than getting your hand to the ground.  The hand will come to the ground eventually, but it should evolve organically out of proper alignment, rather than being an end in itself. 

I think this theory can be applied to just about everything in life.  If we let go of our attachment to the result - the final form - and focus on the alignment, it's much easier to find peace with where we are.  Our mistakes and shortcomings are not failings - they're just where we are on the path.  When I look at my friends who've been practicing for like, 10 years, their urdhva danuarasana looks totally different than mine.  My pose is different than theirs, and that is OK.  If I concentrate on the alignment the beauty of the full form will come eventually.  If I try to shove myself into the pose, I'll hurt myself and my practice will be set back. 

In life, we often have no control over the results of our actions - our job, our salary, our appearance, our physical condition, our relationships are often dependent on the decisions of others.  Instead of striving for a perfect result, maybe we should focus on putting 100% into our actions, and let that be a goal in itself, without expecting anything from it.  In yoga, the benefit of the pose comes from the alignment, not from the outer form.  It's great to have the outer form as a road map.  We need it, otherwise we would lose the goal of where we were trying to go.  But, we have to be OK with the fact that we might not always get there.

This can change your life...trust me.

Alright I've wasted enough of your time.  I just thought of a whole other idea I could tack on the end of this thing but I'll save it for another time.  If you started reading this blog because of adorable kitten photos and random pics of what I did over the weekend you're probably feeling pretty misled right now. Sorry for all the words!!

"Even if, by some especially unfortunate fate or by the provision of nature, this [good] will should be wholly lacking in the power to accomplish its purpose; if with the greatest effort it should yet achieve nothing, and only the good will should remain (not, to be sure, as a mere wish but as the summoning of all the means in our power), yet it would, like a jewel, shine by its own light as something that has full value in itself."  ~ Immanuel Kant