"Yoga is like music...

...The rhythm of the body, the melody of the mind, the harmony of the soul create the symphony of life." RIP BKS Iyengar (1918-2014)

Your contributions to the practice of yoga are truly beyond measure. Light on Yoga is the one book I open every day without fail, and I will continue to reference your unnatural arm length in pretty much all of my classes. Thank you for your greatness, for your knowledge, for inspiring me and so many others. Thank you thank you for everything.

Om sri gurubhyo namaha.

"I learn by going where I have to go" ~ Theodore Roethke

"Ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use." - Carlos Castaneda

Before you read this I just think you should know - everything I wrote here I basically said out loud in front of everyone in my teacher training last month and I almost completely lost it in front of like 20 people. I am NOT a public crier. I am not an emotionally demonstrative person about stuff like this. Excitement? Yes. Geeking out over something awesome that I love? Yes. Tearing up during a public discussion? Um, no. I was like "oh I'll just share my reasons for wanting to teach" and then suddenly I started choking up and was like WHAT IS HAPPENING I CAN'T CONTROL MY BODY THIS IS NOT ME AT ALL. I will never secretly and internally make fun of public criers again because apparently now I am one. So that happened. 

On the morning of our second-to-last day in LA last month, Noah gave us a short assignment in which we were asked to write about why we felt called to teach. For those of you who know me, you know that I was a teacher for several years - during and right after college I was the music director for a Musical Theater camp in Minneapolis and to this day it was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I loved it to the point where I felt guilty depositing my paycheck, because I couldn't believe someone would pay me money to have so much fun. Unfortunately, the paycheck I deposited was not large enough to cover all my costs, so I was working part time at a shoe store while also trying to figure out how to make my life more stable.

But, for a lot of reasons we don't need to get into here, I started to feel embarrassed whenever my answer to the classic cocktail party/ high school reunion/ running into my parents friends at the grocery store question "So, what are you doing these days?" was "oh you know...I'm still figuring things out." So I decided to get my shit together and enter the muggle world - I left my awesome job and went back to school for my MBA and somehow ended up in corporate healthcare.

Now, don't get me wrong I think it was the right decision for me at the time. When I interviewed for internships during the winter of my first MBA year, I realized that I just could not get all that jazzed up about consumer packaged goods (which is what I actually thought I wanted to do) and the only interviews where I felt passionate and genuine were those that centered around making people's lives better. 

I interned at a large healthcare company that summer, and accepted an offer to work there full-time after graduation. I wouldn't say I knew immediately that it was the wrong choice, but I definitely had this overwhelming shock of "what am I doing here, how did this happen...?"

At first things were basically fine, but over time it became increasingly clear that this just was not the right place for me to be. It certainly didn't help that we started going through what felt like endless rounds of layoffs and re-orgs during which some mentors and close friends of mine were let go. I tried everything - positive re-framing, changing my attitude, putting in 110% effort, staying positive - but every week my anxiety level just increased. I started having panic attacks in the morning and there were times I totally broke down on my way out the door, or I would turn to Ben while packing my lunch and say "I can't do this anymore."

I'm not trying to be dramatic...I'm really just tryingt to make a point about how you know when something is not the right fit. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a very positive person and that I tried so, so hard to make this work. I have nothing against anyone that I worked with. I got along very well with my boss and she was incredibly supportive of my professional development. My team and my colleagues were all smart, wonderful people and I learned a TON from my time there. But, I was straight up miserable.

Anyway, it was around this time that I started subbing for my friend Laura's class more regularly. I was still kind of on the fence about whether or not I wanted to be a teacher, but I was happy to step in and take over classes while she was out. It didn't take long for me to remember how much I love teaching, and how rewarding it is to receive positive feedback from your students or watch them have an 'a-ha' moment. That was when I decided I need to to do my teacher training sooner rather than later, and signed up for Noah's program in LA. 

Practicing some General Sequence action on my porch

I am having trouble figuring out how to put this into words, but when you've spent literally years in the wrong environment trying to squeeze your round self into a square peg, convincing yourself that you are the problem, it's kind of an otherworldly experience to feel like something just fits. It was like the first hit of air after holding my breath underwater for ages.

Morning hike in LA with YTT friends

Again, that sounded super dramatic. But basically, YTT reminded me what it felt like to be on the right path - and simultaneously, I knew that the path I was currently on with my career was the wrong one. It's not that the path itself is inherently bad - for some people it's a great choice and it's the right thing for them, but I knew that it wasn't right for me. Could I have been successful there in the long term? Sure, maybe. Would I have ever been happy? Definitely not.


Literally the week I returned from teacher training and my little revelation in LA, I was called in to interview for a position I had applied for right before I left town. I'd been looking for a while, but had only applied to a select few positions and had actually turned something down that didn't feel quite right. This position, however, was one that I was so excited about I wouldn't even tell my parents what it was for fear of jinxing it. Not even kidding.

And now it's my job. I'm back in the arts, which is where I always wanted to be. I'm learning how to teach yoga, which I am also extremely passionate about. I just feel very, very fortunate right now.

random shadow because, why not

In Chapter 18 of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says to Arjuna that "it is better to engage in one’s own occupation [dharma], even though one may perform it imperfectly, than to accept another’s occupation [dharma] and perform it perfectly.” (Bg. 18.47). No matter how good it looks on paper, even if you're successful at it, it is never a good idea to travel down a path that is not your own. Unfortunately, it is so easy to convince ourselves to stay on the wrong path - to feel like if we just try harder, or do something differently or change something about ourselves, that we can make it work. But if it's not right for you, it will never work, and sometimes it takes a hit of oxygen to remind us where we have to go.

So I guess all I'm saying is...if you're miserable, if something doesn't feel right to you, don't put that on yourself. Don't be afraid to walk away from something even if it sounds great at cocktail parties. And find a path with a heart.

Don't think about it, just do it

Last Monday at 12:35am PST I boarded a red-eye from LAX to MSP. At 6am CST I landed in Minneapolis, Ben drove me home and I showered, changed and I went into the office and Ben left for a three-day work retreat. Tuesday I had an after-work event, Wednesday I ended up at the doggie urgent care with Sidney until midnight (long story, he is fine), Thursday I worked at an event until 10pm and Friday I had a friend over. I went to Shannon's class on Saturday, and to the advanced practice on Sunday where we did a ton of arm balances and backbends at least 7 urdhva dhaunurasanas (I stopped counting at 5, but I know we did more after that). On Monday I went to Ali's class where we did...more backbends including five urdhvas at the end, with variations. Normally five urdhva dhaunurasanas is not a problem, but last night I was so wiped out that I finally reached that point where the tiredness pushes through some magical barrier to a land where exhaustion no longer matters. I call this point "don't think about it, just do it."

"Don't think about it, just do it" is kind of how I've gotten through the last week and a half, so I am REALLY excited for this weekend so I can put my feet up, marathon some netflix and get caught up on my YTT homework.

ANYWAY.
There is something I've been meaning to say here but haven't gotten the chance - this was probably pretty apparent to anyone who follows me on Instagram or Twitter but I should mention that I left my job about a month ago. I have a LOT more to say on that subject but that's another blog entry for another time. It was tough to leave, but I know deep down it was the right choice.

Since I did make a mention going into the office and working late hours last week, I obviously have a new job and it is AMAZING. Also more to say on that subject, also another entry for another time.

As a friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago, 2014 is apparently my year for shaking it up. Yoga teacher training, new job, all of it. I could not be more excited about where I am right now. So there's my update, hope you are having a great week and I know I say this every time but I REALLY REALLY am going to try to write more. I have so many backlogged entries about YTT and yoga philosophy it's not even funny. So hopefully I'll get around to finishing and posting some of them soon ;) But in the meantime - photos, because everyone likes those.

Early morning run at the lake

Art shopping with new coworkers at Adam Turman's garage sale

MN pride tank - courtesy of Adam Turman Garage Sale

Old yoga studio is now a coffee shop - it's very weird 

Visiting my sis in Chicago

Date night with Benjamin at the MN Orchestra

Spring Break & Eating Your (metaphorical) Vegetables

So, during the summer of 2012 I did this program with Desiree Rumbaugh and Cate Stillman called the Eat Green Challenge. The Challenge was essentially 30 days on a low-fat (almost non-fat) vegan diet, but the purpose was really to stuff as many fruits and vegetables into your diet as possible. During those 30 days I learned three very important things:

1) Fruit and leafy greens are REALLY expensive. My grocery bill doubled at least...plus it didn't help that I became pretty addicted to cherries during this time. Those babies are not cheap.

2) ...I would not make it on a raw vegan low fat diet. I was hungry ALL THE TIME. I ate so many bananas, and still I was hungry. So, so many bananas.

3) But - and this is probably the most important piece - I learned that we really do not need all the things we think we need. I love fruits and vegetables...they taste great, and they make me feel great. I also love junk food, but sometimes junk food does not make me feel great. What I found was that, when I made a concerted effort to eat a certain number of fruit and veggie servings in a day, I just had less room for the other stuff. It's not that I don't like cheeseburgers or M&M's, but when you prioritize the things you really need, there's just less space left for the things you don't.

I've decided to take a similar sort of approach to the rest of my life. I'm just going to keep piling on the greenery - things I love, that are good for my soul - and eventually I'll either go completely insane, or I'll run out of room and something will have to go. And whatever goes, that's the thing I know I do not really need.

Ben and I will probably be living in a box in the woods in two months.

Not really.

Moving on...

In related news I am finally doing my damn yoga teacher training. Long story short (long story forthcoming in a separate post probably) I'm flying to LA on Thursday night for our first training module and I have soooo much work to do to get ready for this thing. So much. Endless pose scripts and shape studies, and somehow I need to get my hands on a copy of the Mahabarata. I don't know.  BUT. I am so excited.... like, way more excited than I've been for anything in a long time. It's going to be great.

Oh hey, also I was in Florida this last week, and while I was there Minneapolis received 12 inches of snow. Here are some photos of not snow.

Blue on blue

I live for this view

...and some from my instagram that I'm too lazy to upload.

Anyway, I will try to post before I leave on Thursday but given my schedule this week it seems unlikely. I can see this going one of two ways:

1) I hunker down like a responsible human and get all of my work done (work-wise and yoga-wise) while still maintaining a somewhat reasonable sleep schedule. In this case, you definitely won't hear from me.

2) I end up doing so much work that it cuts into my already reduced sleep schedule, at which point I'll just say fuck it it and not go to bed ever. In this case, I will be blogging at 2am while making a seven layer cake and/or scrubbing the shower because at this point, why not.

Talk to you soon provided we all survive Monday.

Yes.

The haps

Well, I'm sick as a dog. Big shocker, after attempting to be in 3 choirs, sub for Laura's yoga class, keep my own yoga practice up, and plan MBE's April fundraising parties during one of our busiest times at work. And I definitely haven't been getting enough sleep. I should have known this nonsense would eventually come back to bite me in the ass, buuuut somehow I still managed to get caught off guard. No worries though. I'm working from home and am fully stocked with tea and mac & cheese, so all is right in the world. 

So since I know you are all dying to hear about my super exciting life, here are a few things I've done in the last couple of weeks:

• Took a nice 9-hour drive to...Madison, Wisconsin. For those of you unfamiliar with the geography of the midwestern United States, the trip from Minneapolis to Madison normally takes about four hours. Lucky for us, we decided to hit the road right around the time a semi jackknifed on I-94, shutting down the entire eastbound lane (thankfully, no one was hurt in the accident that I'm aware of). Anyway, all traffic was diverted onto a 2-lane highway through Menominee. It started snowing buckets, and long story short we finally rolled into our B&B at 11:45, having left home at 3pm. GOOD JOB.  On the plus side, we had a great time. The main purpose of our adventure was to see my favorite band, Cloud Cult, at the Barrymore. I'm going to miss their St Paul shows in April and hadn't yet gotten a chance to catch their acoustic set so we planned a special road trip to Madison. It was well worth it - probably the best show I have ever been to. I was on the verge of tears (in a good way) from the second they started playing. We made some lovely concert friends, AND we ran into a friend of Ben's from his hometown! Such a crazy random happenstance.

Ben and Meredith, reunited!

Just really pumped for Cloud Cult

Amazing, multitalented musicians

Craig Minowa

CC artwork 

• Last friday I went to a delightful hips & hamstrings class co-taught my by dear friends Shannon and Becka at CPY downtown. After class I went to Target to buy socks. I left Target with nail polish, earrings, a DVD, a new yoga strap, easter candy, and a tank top with a dinosaur on it. And no socks. 

typical

• In other news, I just discovered the #booksinyourpants hashtag. Endless entertainment.

last nights winner, after careful consideration and 2 glasses of wine

Time to drink some tea and watch New Girl. And do my yoga homework...sooo much yoga homework. So much.

You are here for life

So I've been keeping myself fairly busy lately...all good things, but things that take up a lot of my time. Work obviously, and yoga, choir and running, so the usual. Plus I'm joining The Singers Anniversary Chorus for Mozart's Coronation Mass on 2/22, the winter session of Asana Junkies is in full swing, my dear friend Lindsey is coming to town this weekend for my birthday, I'll be spending the following weekend in a workshop with Noah Maze (and that's the weekend of the Singers concert), and the weekend after that, Ben and I are road-tripping to Madison. And I'm subbing for Laura the first two Wednesdays in March. Oh and I'm also legit working part-time(ish) for Minnesota Bach Ensemble now, doing marketing/website/event planning shtuff. So you know... in case I didn't have enough going on already.

It does feel like a lot, but it's also helping me to compartmentalize my life more. When I get home from work, I have to TURN OFF work...and turn on whatever else I'm doing (MBE, yoga, choir, what have you). I know I have a tendency to take on too much (as my friends are constantly reminding me), but this time I'm approaching it as a conscious choice. I'm tired of living out of fear - avoiding taking on things I really want because I tell myself I can't or I don't have time. Bullshit. I will make time. You only get one life, and if you don't fill it with the things you love then what is the damn point.
End rant.
I guess this is my version of leaning in.
And I honestly think what will happen is, my vision of where my life is going and what I want to fill that space with will become clearer and eventually some things will start to fall off. It's already started, at least mentally.

Oh hey, also it is really cold here in Minnesota. My dad keeps saying it's "just like the olden days of winter, back when men were men and we walked to school both ways through 80 feet of snow bla bla bla"...ok so obviously those were not his exact words, but you get the general point. That statement is in fact FALSE. This is officially the coldest winter we've had in something like 30 years, so no, every winter did not used to be like this. Turn off your selective memory.

In a related story, here is the view out the window of my office building...delightful:

Welcome to MN, where the people are tall and...
the snowdrifts are even taller

Continuing on with random photos of my life...Ben and I went to Macbeth at MN Opera a couple of weeks ago!

excitement for the scottish...italian...play...opera? thing.

Also, this was in Rice Park. Worth posting, I thought.

And here is me, working from home. These are the days...when anything goes.

Someday, I will forget how to dress professionally and will wear holey jeans into the office..

I've been doing some quality reading lately, as well - John Eliot Gardiner's biography of Bach, and the third installment of The Lunar Chronicles. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite young adult series - basically, it's fairy tales set in the future, in space. Each book adds a new major character, and manages to cleverly re-tell the fairy tale for that character (Cinderella, Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel...and the final volume is Snow White), while still keeping the overarching story rolling and looping the new characters into the existing main cast. Plus, the female protagonists are quite bad-ass: Cinder is a cyborg mechanic who ends up basically leading a revolution, Scarlet is a pilot and Cress is a technology prodigy. Yes, I realize you probably had trouble taking this recommendation seriously after the words "Cinderella is a cyborg mechanic"...or possibly "fairy tales set in the future in space" and yes it sounds totally weird, but I am really loving this series.

(sidebar - one of my yoga friends joined goodreads recently, and after looking at my shelves is accused me of never reading anything light. Clearly he has not seen my extensive shelf of childrens and YA lit.)

Bach was one sassy cantor

Sometimes...you just need this in your life. YA lit FTW.

Also last weekend, I went to Wits for the first time! I sort of describe Wits as...Prairie Home Companion for a younger audience. I've listened to it a bunch on the radio but had never been to a live show before. This installment featured Andy Richter, with musical guest Neko Case. There was a recurring bit with Abe Lincoln's Ghost, Tom Waits and Morrissey doing commercials and it made me legit laugh out loud. Multiple times. Highly recommend.

AND Theoroi got to go backstage! So fun.

Had to take this photo - brick at Wits signed by one of Ben and my favorite bands (Storyhill)

Hmmm OK. Well, I have a 7am call tomorrow so I should probably get some sleep.  Hope you are having a lovely week!!

we are all connected

"In daily life, we are often lost in thought. We get lost in regrets about the past and fears about the future. We get lost in our plans, our anger, and our anxiety. At such moments, we cannot really be here for ourselves. We are not really here for life." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Randoms, and the joys of stress baking

Please observe the super healthy breakfast I made for myself and Ben on Saturday...and yes, we demolished half of the pan by ourselves in under an hour. It's cool, you don't have to tell me how awesome and impressive we are. We know.

APPLE CRISP! Favorite of fall baking

On Sunday, my mom came over after church/choir and helped us rake leaves in the backyard. There were a LOT of leaves...like, a whole lot. The maple tree on our neighbor's property (the same tree that is infested with carptenter ants that like to invade our attic) drops most of its leaves into our backyard every fall, and we rake and dispose of them. Delightful.

Ben and my mom, hard at work. Don't worry, I was helping too :)

The fruits of our labor

This has been a rough week at work. I don't really want to get into it (also, can't really get into it, nondisclosure and legality blah blah blah) but Monday and Tuesday were especially stressful. Luckily, Monday is was saved by some quiet reading time and an amazing yoga class. Most Mondays I head to my favorite coffee shop and relax with a book and a beverage (this time, mint tea) and then head to my favorite yoga class at 7. Currently I'm reading this book which is fascinating and also terrifying...I'm only about 1/4 of the way through but so far I highly recommend it.

Class was PERFECT and exactly what I needed. I do love to push and challenge myself in my yoga practice, "do the thing that scares you" and whatnot. But there is a time and a place for that, and there is a time and a place for...not that. There are poses that actually do make me feel fear, and I will pretty much only ever do them if forced (visvamitrasana, he full form of vasistasana with the leg up, and upavistha konasana), and also poses that are not scary but are definitely confrontational (urdhva dhanurasana, dhanurasana, pinca mayurasana...so basically backbends) and these are great and beneficial poses. But some days I'm like crap, this entire day has been confrontational; can I just do some hip openers and stretch my hammies and do my favorite arm balances? And on Monday the answer was YES. For the record, this is my favorite pose.

Tea + Book + Yoga = happy times

At some point during the day on Tuesday I consumed five mini Milky Ways in a fit of blind rage and sent Ben some very violent and probably concerning text messages about punching people in the throat. Luckily, I did not punch anyone and instead channelled all of my stress into a batch of ghost cookies which I then decorated with pink sparkles because why not. And I ate them while watching Sleepy Hollow and New Girl, so I immediately felt one billion times better about life.

The products of my rage

Today I worked from home (again! yay!) because I had a coffee meeting in the morning near my house. Since you've all now seen what I look like on a workday when I can't be bothered to put on real people clothes, I figure you're all dying to know what I look like on a normal day at the office. Ta da:

Blazer and Tshirt from H&M
Pants from J Crew
Shoes from Target
And no I'm not wearing socks, my ankles are actually that white
.....

If you're wondering what the heck is that thing in the bottom right hand corner of the above photo, the answer is obviously, a bust of William Shakespeare wearing my blue wig from Halloween. Duh.

Working from home is about 80% less stressful than being in the office sometimes. I get just as much done if not more, but it just feels easier to keep everything in perspective and remember what is really important in life. I think that right now, I need the occasional WFH day for my sanity, and because I have trouble keeping frustration and disbelief from showing in my facial expressions WFH days also keep my eyeballs from freezing permanently into this position:

This is the face I make after 1 hour calls with IT

Things! Also Halloween!!!

Happy Halloween!!! I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted...so just to get up to speed, here is a random list of what we've been up to for the last few weeks:


1. TWIN CITIES 10 MILE
If you'd have told me two years ago that I would one day run 10 miles in a race, I would have laughed in your face. Actually a year and a half ago, I probably would have still laughed in your face. Until recently I was convinced that I hated running...then some coworkers talked me into running the Warrior Dash and the rest is history. Anyway, here's a photo of Ben and I before the race (hopefully I will not get sued for snagging this proof...it does have PROOF written all over it....)

Aaaand one from after the race (courtesy of Ben's dad) looking SUPER AWESOME and not at all tired or sweaty.

Unsurprisingly, Ben smoked me by about 10 minutes...I finished in 1:26, he finished in 1:16. Speed demon, that man. Anyway I spent most of the rest of the day eating, including a delightful feast of poutine, burger, and more fries at The Happy Gnome. "But wait," you say. "Isn't poutine also fries? Why did you order fries again after you already had them?" You know what...stop. Just be quiet.

I've also become a fan of the early morning run. Occasionally I'll drag myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5am and drive to Lake Calhoun or some other picturesque location to get in a few miles before work. The best parts of this are 1) the sunrise and 2) getting coffee afterward...plus occasionally some granola and yogurt from Rustica. 

Totally worth it

3. DYED MY HAIR

I've been blond for 12 years, but have been thinking about going darker for at least 4-5. The only problem is, I chicken out as soon as I get to the hairdresser but this time I DID NOT CHICKEN OUT. My stylist was nervous about making too drastic of a change right away though, so she took out most of the blond but otherwise pretty much left it alone. I love it. Next time I'm going all the way.

Plus, nobody can make blond jokes at me anymore.

4. YOGA AND LOTS OF IT

Desiree Rumbaugh was in town last weekend for a three-day workshop and it was amazeballs. One of the things I love about Desiree is that each of the three times I've studied with her, she focuses on one key principle that you can apply across your practice. The last two years it's been an evolving approach of integration before expansion (last year 'RIBS BACK' this year 'INFLATE THE SERRATUS') and it's been so helpful for me. I tend to get lower back stuff in certain backbends, and in standing crescent oddly enough...but not last weekend so now I have some additional tools to integrate into my practice. Super amazing. One of these days i'm going to go on a yoga nerd tangent on this blog...watch out. 

Lovely

4. FALL THINGS

Some leaves

Some more leaves

Carving pumpkins in Chicago with Kristin

PUMPKINS

5. HALLOWEEN
Ben had his costume planned the day we saw The World's End in the theatre. Or rather, I planned it for him as soon as I saw Simon Pegg's character. "Hey," I said. "You have a coat like that! And you have a scruffy beard like that! And you could slick your hair back and wear aviators!"

Gary King rides again

Ben as Gary, and our friend Chris as ...a G-man? I think?? Basically he went as himself but with a fedora.

I had no idea what I was going as until literally 10 minutes before walking out the door. All I had to go on was a blue wig spontaneously purchased at Target about 1 hour before the party, and...yeah that was pretty much it. So I decided to make our evening an homage to Edgar Wright and went as Ramona Flowers.

Not my real hair.

Ben and I at the party

I also did some karaoke to the Backstreet Boys, which Ben took a video of but I think I will spare you...


5. HAVE YOU BY ANY CHANCE SEEN...A LITTLE LEMON...?
If you are a decent human being, you have hopefully listened to Cabin Pressure by John Finnemore. If not, you are probably unfamiliar with the game Traveling Lemon. Basically, one player hides a lemon somewhere and the other person has to find it. When the second player locates the lemon, they re-hide it and the first player has to find it and then re-hide it. Ad infinitum.

One day, without warning I put a lemon in the shower, and sent Ben an email informing him that the lemon was in play. He thought I was joking...I wasn't. He found it pretty quickly, and re-hid it in a new location. One of the rules of Traveling Lemon is that the lemon has to be in plain sight (not in a drawer or cupboard or anything), and after a couple of days I grew suspicious that he was cheating because I had looked EVERYWHERE and had yet to find the lemon.

Well.

On Monday afternoon, my mom came over for tea. The first thing she said when she walked into the dining room was "Um...did you know there's a lemon on your chandelier?"

Well played, Benjamin. Well played.

I think that's all I have for now. Hope you're having a wonderful week and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!