"I learn by going where I have to go" ~ Theodore Roethke

"Ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question: Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use." - Carlos Castaneda

Before you read this I just think you should know - everything I wrote here I basically said out loud in front of everyone in my teacher training last month and I almost completely lost it in front of like 20 people. I am NOT a public crier. I am not an emotionally demonstrative person about stuff like this. Excitement? Yes. Geeking out over something awesome that I love? Yes. Tearing up during a public discussion? Um, no. I was like "oh I'll just share my reasons for wanting to teach" and then suddenly I started choking up and was like WHAT IS HAPPENING I CAN'T CONTROL MY BODY THIS IS NOT ME AT ALL. I will never secretly and internally make fun of public criers again because apparently now I am one. So that happened. 

On the morning of our second-to-last day in LA last month, Noah gave us a short assignment in which we were asked to write about why we felt called to teach. For those of you who know me, you know that I was a teacher for several years - during and right after college I was the music director for a Musical Theater camp in Minneapolis and to this day it was the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I loved it to the point where I felt guilty depositing my paycheck, because I couldn't believe someone would pay me money to have so much fun. Unfortunately, the paycheck I deposited was not large enough to cover all my costs, so I was working part time at a shoe store while also trying to figure out how to make my life more stable.

But, for a lot of reasons we don't need to get into here, I started to feel embarrassed whenever my answer to the classic cocktail party/ high school reunion/ running into my parents friends at the grocery store question "So, what are you doing these days?" was "oh you know...I'm still figuring things out." So I decided to get my shit together and enter the muggle world - I left my awesome job and went back to school for my MBA and somehow ended up in corporate healthcare.

Now, don't get me wrong I think it was the right decision for me at the time. When I interviewed for internships during the winter of my first MBA year, I realized that I just could not get all that jazzed up about consumer packaged goods (which is what I actually thought I wanted to do) and the only interviews where I felt passionate and genuine were those that centered around making people's lives better. 

I interned at a large healthcare company that summer, and accepted an offer to work there full-time after graduation. I wouldn't say I knew immediately that it was the wrong choice, but I definitely had this overwhelming shock of "what am I doing here, how did this happen...?"

At first things were basically fine, but over time it became increasingly clear that this just was not the right place for me to be. It certainly didn't help that we started going through what felt like endless rounds of layoffs and re-orgs during which some mentors and close friends of mine were let go. I tried everything - positive re-framing, changing my attitude, putting in 110% effort, staying positive - but every week my anxiety level just increased. I started having panic attacks in the morning and there were times I totally broke down on my way out the door, or I would turn to Ben while packing my lunch and say "I can't do this anymore."

I'm not trying to be dramatic...I'm really just tryingt to make a point about how you know when something is not the right fit. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a very positive person and that I tried so, so hard to make this work. I have nothing against anyone that I worked with. I got along very well with my boss and she was incredibly supportive of my professional development. My team and my colleagues were all smart, wonderful people and I learned a TON from my time there. But, I was straight up miserable.

Anyway, it was around this time that I started subbing for my friend Laura's class more regularly. I was still kind of on the fence about whether or not I wanted to be a teacher, but I was happy to step in and take over classes while she was out. It didn't take long for me to remember how much I love teaching, and how rewarding it is to receive positive feedback from your students or watch them have an 'a-ha' moment. That was when I decided I need to to do my teacher training sooner rather than later, and signed up for Noah's program in LA. 

Practicing some General Sequence action on my porch

I am having trouble figuring out how to put this into words, but when you've spent literally years in the wrong environment trying to squeeze your round self into a square peg, convincing yourself that you are the problem, it's kind of an otherworldly experience to feel like something just fits. It was like the first hit of air after holding my breath underwater for ages.

Morning hike in LA with YTT friends

Again, that sounded super dramatic. But basically, YTT reminded me what it felt like to be on the right path - and simultaneously, I knew that the path I was currently on with my career was the wrong one. It's not that the path itself is inherently bad - for some people it's a great choice and it's the right thing for them, but I knew that it wasn't right for me. Could I have been successful there in the long term? Sure, maybe. Would I have ever been happy? Definitely not.


Literally the week I returned from teacher training and my little revelation in LA, I was called in to interview for a position I had applied for right before I left town. I'd been looking for a while, but had only applied to a select few positions and had actually turned something down that didn't feel quite right. This position, however, was one that I was so excited about I wouldn't even tell my parents what it was for fear of jinxing it. Not even kidding.

And now it's my job. I'm back in the arts, which is where I always wanted to be. I'm learning how to teach yoga, which I am also extremely passionate about. I just feel very, very fortunate right now.

random shadow because, why not

In Chapter 18 of the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna says to Arjuna that "it is better to engage in one’s own occupation [dharma], even though one may perform it imperfectly, than to accept another’s occupation [dharma] and perform it perfectly.” (Bg. 18.47). No matter how good it looks on paper, even if you're successful at it, it is never a good idea to travel down a path that is not your own. Unfortunately, it is so easy to convince ourselves to stay on the wrong path - to feel like if we just try harder, or do something differently or change something about ourselves, that we can make it work. But if it's not right for you, it will never work, and sometimes it takes a hit of oxygen to remind us where we have to go.

So I guess all I'm saying is...if you're miserable, if something doesn't feel right to you, don't put that on yourself. Don't be afraid to walk away from something even if it sounds great at cocktail parties. And find a path with a heart.

Don't think about it, just do it

Last Monday at 12:35am PST I boarded a red-eye from LAX to MSP. At 6am CST I landed in Minneapolis, Ben drove me home and I showered, changed and I went into the office and Ben left for a three-day work retreat. Tuesday I had an after-work event, Wednesday I ended up at the doggie urgent care with Sidney until midnight (long story, he is fine), Thursday I worked at an event until 10pm and Friday I had a friend over. I went to Shannon's class on Saturday, and to the advanced practice on Sunday where we did a ton of arm balances and backbends at least 7 urdhva dhaunurasanas (I stopped counting at 5, but I know we did more after that). On Monday I went to Ali's class where we did...more backbends including five urdhvas at the end, with variations. Normally five urdhva dhaunurasanas is not a problem, but last night I was so wiped out that I finally reached that point where the tiredness pushes through some magical barrier to a land where exhaustion no longer matters. I call this point "don't think about it, just do it."

"Don't think about it, just do it" is kind of how I've gotten through the last week and a half, so I am REALLY excited for this weekend so I can put my feet up, marathon some netflix and get caught up on my YTT homework.

ANYWAY.
There is something I've been meaning to say here but haven't gotten the chance - this was probably pretty apparent to anyone who follows me on Instagram or Twitter but I should mention that I left my job about a month ago. I have a LOT more to say on that subject but that's another blog entry for another time. It was tough to leave, but I know deep down it was the right choice.

Since I did make a mention going into the office and working late hours last week, I obviously have a new job and it is AMAZING. Also more to say on that subject, also another entry for another time.

As a friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago, 2014 is apparently my year for shaking it up. Yoga teacher training, new job, all of it. I could not be more excited about where I am right now. So there's my update, hope you are having a great week and I know I say this every time but I REALLY REALLY am going to try to write more. I have so many backlogged entries about YTT and yoga philosophy it's not even funny. So hopefully I'll get around to finishing and posting some of them soon ;) But in the meantime - photos, because everyone likes those.

Early morning run at the lake

Art shopping with new coworkers at Adam Turman's garage sale

MN pride tank - courtesy of Adam Turman Garage Sale

Old yoga studio is now a coffee shop - it's very weird 

Visiting my sis in Chicago

Date night with Benjamin at the MN Orchestra

Randoms, and the joys of stress baking

Please observe the super healthy breakfast I made for myself and Ben on Saturday...and yes, we demolished half of the pan by ourselves in under an hour. It's cool, you don't have to tell me how awesome and impressive we are. We know.

APPLE CRISP! Favorite of fall baking

On Sunday, my mom came over after church/choir and helped us rake leaves in the backyard. There were a LOT of leaves...like, a whole lot. The maple tree on our neighbor's property (the same tree that is infested with carptenter ants that like to invade our attic) drops most of its leaves into our backyard every fall, and we rake and dispose of them. Delightful.

Ben and my mom, hard at work. Don't worry, I was helping too :)

The fruits of our labor

This has been a rough week at work. I don't really want to get into it (also, can't really get into it, nondisclosure and legality blah blah blah) but Monday and Tuesday were especially stressful. Luckily, Monday is was saved by some quiet reading time and an amazing yoga class. Most Mondays I head to my favorite coffee shop and relax with a book and a beverage (this time, mint tea) and then head to my favorite yoga class at 7. Currently I'm reading this book which is fascinating and also terrifying...I'm only about 1/4 of the way through but so far I highly recommend it.

Class was PERFECT and exactly what I needed. I do love to push and challenge myself in my yoga practice, "do the thing that scares you" and whatnot. But there is a time and a place for that, and there is a time and a place for...not that. There are poses that actually do make me feel fear, and I will pretty much only ever do them if forced (visvamitrasana, he full form of vasistasana with the leg up, and upavistha konasana), and also poses that are not scary but are definitely confrontational (urdhva dhanurasana, dhanurasana, pinca mayurasana...so basically backbends) and these are great and beneficial poses. But some days I'm like crap, this entire day has been confrontational; can I just do some hip openers and stretch my hammies and do my favorite arm balances? And on Monday the answer was YES. For the record, this is my favorite pose.

Tea + Book + Yoga = happy times

At some point during the day on Tuesday I consumed five mini Milky Ways in a fit of blind rage and sent Ben some very violent and probably concerning text messages about punching people in the throat. Luckily, I did not punch anyone and instead channelled all of my stress into a batch of ghost cookies which I then decorated with pink sparkles because why not. And I ate them while watching Sleepy Hollow and New Girl, so I immediately felt one billion times better about life.

The products of my rage

Today I worked from home (again! yay!) because I had a coffee meeting in the morning near my house. Since you've all now seen what I look like on a workday when I can't be bothered to put on real people clothes, I figure you're all dying to know what I look like on a normal day at the office. Ta da:

Blazer and Tshirt from H&M
Pants from J Crew
Shoes from Target
And no I'm not wearing socks, my ankles are actually that white
.....

If you're wondering what the heck is that thing in the bottom right hand corner of the above photo, the answer is obviously, a bust of William Shakespeare wearing my blue wig from Halloween. Duh.

Working from home is about 80% less stressful than being in the office sometimes. I get just as much done if not more, but it just feels easier to keep everything in perspective and remember what is really important in life. I think that right now, I need the occasional WFH day for my sanity, and because I have trouble keeping frustration and disbelief from showing in my facial expressions WFH days also keep my eyeballs from freezing permanently into this position:

This is the face I make after 1 hour calls with IT

Stripes 2: Revenge of the Stripes

So on Monday, I was planning on my normal routine of work --> latte and reading at Bull Run --> yoga --> sleeping. I blocked my free time during the day to finish up a presentation for Tuesday, so that I could easily get out of there by 5-5:30 with plenty of time to have a luxurious reading and coffee hour before class. As usual though, work had other plans and there was a dire emergency requiring me to write up several pages of training materials before 4pm. I whipped them together pretty quickly, but this still meant that the presentation I meant to start working on at 10am, was not started until 4:30.

I forced myself to stop working just in the nick of time, booked it out to my car only to remember that I was almost out of gas. But as we all know, Yoga > safe driving, so I rolled into Uptown 20 minutes later on fumes and the wings of angels, and miraculously made it to my 7pm class.

In other news, Lululemon keeps making stripey things. I saw this hoodie online and immediately knew I needed to have it. IT HAS STRIPES ON THE SLEEVES. AND THE HOOD. WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS.

This photo provides a better view of the hood

But this one has a great cameo by Mini in the bottom left, so I had to post it too
Also, I've decided that this phone case is totally an appropriate work accessory. If
people are going to judge me for having a phone case that looks like it
belongs to a 4-year old Japanese girl, they need to find better things
to do with their time.
End caption.

Stripes layered over EVEN MORE STRIPES
META STRIPES

Last night I subbed for my friend/teacher Laura's class, and thus have now taught my third class ever. I am still not certified.

[Sssshhhh.....]

So I sat down over the last couple of days to do some hardcore planning and sequencing, using YJ home practices, old notes, and an awesome book I'm borrowing from my teacher that includes basic cues for all of the major asanas.

Right now, I'm just working on sounding like I mean what I say. Also on not constantly mixing up left and right. Or 'leg' and 'arm'. It's a process.

Sequencing like a boss

Yesterday I discovered that Birthday Cake Oreos exist. Problem of how to fuel for 10 mile training runs = SOLVED.
OK I lied this was never a problem, but let's just pretend I have a deep and meaningful reason for eating these, because they taste like the laughter of baby unicorns and I am having a really hard time restraining myself from going to the pantry and inhaling the entire package.

BUY ME NOW AND EAT ME

And a final word for the day - Ben and I went to a free MNOrch concert on Saturday at the Lake Harriet Bandshell and it was very emotional. If you're not from Mpls or if you are not aware of the lockout and ensuing conflict that has developed between the musicians and management over the last year, go read up on it and then immediately donate to Save Our Symphony MN or Musicians of the Minnesota Orchestra. They are planning to put on a fall concert series without the support of Orchestra Management and MNOrch and they need some financial help in order to do so. DO IT. We have a world class orchestra and I really hope we do not lose them.




That's all. It's Thursday and I have no plans after work other than dinner, cookies and binge watching season 2 of New Girl so I can start Season 3 ASAP. Have a wonderful day!!

Attitude Adjustment

Hey kids. Well, work has been crazy, it's super busy, we had a product launch and some minor crises and I took on a new project. I worked a ton over the weekend. Also I haven't made it home before 9:30 any night this week until tonight. Monday I went to yoga and had dinner with a friend, Tuesday I attended a recruiting event on behalf of my employer and yesterday I had choir rehearsal until 9...and then I did 2 hours of work afterwards. Ugh. Long story short I was turning into a huge pile of crabby. Not that many of these things weren't fun but sometimes a girl just needs a night on the couch.

Ben is coaching cross country this year and his team had a meet today, so I had the house to myself in the evening. I came home, walked Sidney, and crashed on the couch with a Trader Joe's frozen mini pizza, kale salad, some cookies and How I Met Your Mother season 4.

At about 8pm I thought about logging back in to do some work but then I was like ...WHY WOULD I DO THAT. And so I watched 4 more episodes of HIMYM. It was glorious.

I seriously feel like a different person...those few hours of relaxation were much needed.

Anyway, aside from being super busy, life is pretty good. I've been consistent with my 10 mile 'training' (I use that word very loosely...basically it means I've upped my milage from about 10-15 miles a week max to ~20, with one of my runs being 8-10 - SLOW - miles).

Last weekend when we weren't working, Ben and I watched the Cornetto Trilogy in its entirety: Shaun of the Dead at 11am, Hot Fuzz (my favorite) at three, and a 7pm showing of World's end. And we ate Cornettos (er, Drumsticks...the US version of Cornettos) while doing so. Best idea ever.



We also managed to have a delightful dinner at my parents house, complete with whisky tasting.



On Sunday, I got up early and baked a cake. Then Ben and I ate that cake for breakfast. I regret nothing.



Also, Early morning runs are the way to go, especially when your view looks like this:



Tomorrow is FRIDAY. And I'm working from home...and then going to the TWINS GAME. So pumped. The Twins are terrible right now which is breaking my heart, but on the flip side I am soooo close to winning a bet with Ben and my Dad. At the beginning of the season, we took wagers on how many games the Twins would lose. I picked 93 - 100 without hesitation and for a while it looked like I was being too pessimistic, but now there appears to be a chance that my dad and husband will be buying me a glass of scotch in October.



[Just so we're clear...Ben is NOT wearing a Yankees shirt in the above photo. He's wearing a homemade shirt that says 'Yankees Suck...because they are vampires'. You don't even want to know]

HAPPY FRIDAY (almost)
(can you tell I'm pumped for the weekend)

Work is ridiculous

So, I've started re-watching the X-Files with Ben.  Just to give you some context, I was mildly obsessed with the X-Files in middle and high school.  And by 'mildly obsessed' I mean I put X's on all of the file cabinets in my parents' home office, and made my parents take us to Roswell New Mexico as part of a family vacation.  So, that was a thing that happened.

Anyway, this has led me to the amazing and slightly insane world of X-Files Tumblrs, which has in turn led me to this:


source

And also this:



source

I'd forgotten how much I love that show.  Moving on...

So work.  Occasionally when you work for a company that is literally the size of a small country, you realize that nobody really knows what anyone else is doing, or even what they themselves are doing.  When you encounter this in the normal course of doing your job, it sometimes makes you want to sink into a hole of infinite despair from which you will never emerge.

The following story is based on true events - and by based on, I mean they actually are true events.  To avoid discussing the exact nature of the project, I have changed the names of people involved to the names of my pets, and made the entire thing an analogy about pie.  It will still make sense, I promise.  Maybe.

For reasons of...a story that is too long and boring to be repeated in this blog, I recently offered my assistance to another team's project.  Basically they needed some extra manpower, their project is related to my area of expertise and I decided to be helpful.  Let's call this project "Pies."  Essentially, I am documenting how all of the pies are made -ingredients, baking temperature, process, etc, so we can prioritize them for baking.  If I realize a pie is terrible and/or expensive to make, or no one likes it, then we de-prioritize the pie.  If the pie is pretty good, then I will thoroughly document the 'recipe' for said pie(shockingly, this documentation does not already exist...I know...).

Guiding me in my efforts is a spreadsheet made about one year ago, by someone who is no longer with the organization.  It lists the name of the pie, a couple of generic facts about the pie, and the approximate number of people who eat that pie on a yearly basis.

Most of the time, this is not an issue.  I can usually track down at least one person involved in the makiing of the pie in question, that person helps me track down everyone else, and after a few hours of conversation we are good to go.  Sometimes the pie is very complex and we run into difficulties, but basically everyone is on the same page and knows what everyone else is talking about.

Well.

Last week I began working on...let's call it the Pumpkin Pie...and this is what happened.

I wrote to a colleague, let's call her 'Maggie', whose name had been given to me in conjunction with the Pumpkin Pie.  At first she was confused and thought I was talking about a different pumpkin pie.  I tried to describe the pie using the vague descriptors I had been given, and finally she said "Oh, sure the Pumpkin Pie!  Now I know what you're talking about.  You'll want to talk to Sidney and Mini."

So I set up a call with Sidney and Mini, feeling like I was on the right track. 

Nope.

Here's how that conversation went:
Me: So, I need to learn how the Pumpkin Pie is made, and Maggie gave me your names in connection with the pie.
Sidney: ...what is the pumpkin pie?
Me:  Um...well...it is a pie...made of pumpkin.  It's um, roundish, and it has a crust...
Mini: What kind of crust?  Whole wheat or white?
Sidney: Do you know what the ingredients are?  Is there cinnamon, or nutmeg?
Me: I have no idea.  That's why I set up this call, I was hoping you could tell me.
Mini: Is this the pecan pumpkin pie, or the pumpkin cream cheese pie?
Me:...there's more than one kind?

We went on like this for almost 30 minutes before I realized I was going to have to go back to Maggie for more information.  So, I emailed her again.

"Hey Maggie," I said.  "I met with Sidney and Mini regarding the Pumpkin Pie, and they need more context.  Do you know what kind of crust is used?  Does the name 'Pumpkin Pie' encompass all pies made from pumpkin, or does it refer to a specific type?"

I was very careful to repeat Sidney and Mini's questions verbatim, because sometimes if I try to paraphrase without really understanding what I'm talking about, I end up asking a question that makes no sense. 

Two days go by, no response from Maggie.  So I email her again, just to follow up on my previous note.

Another day goes by.  Finally, I get an IM from my colleague Sierra, who sits near Maggie.

"Maggie does not understand your question."

I actually facepalmed.

I did follow back up with Maggie, only to find out that when she said "Now I know what you're talking about," she did not, in fact, have any idea what I was talking about.  Basically, we are all working on the Pumpkin Pie because it ended up on a spreadsheet 12 months ago, and was somehow prioritized despite the fact that nobody knows what it actually is.  We soon realized that the Pumpkin Pie does not actually exist.

What even....I can't.  I just cannot.

Anywhoo - in my continuing efforts to bite off way more than I can chew, I decided to join both Christina Sell's Asana Junkies Practice club, and also a book club on Goodreads that's reading Proust's In Search of Lost Time in its entirety.  Obviously I am not going to give up my other books, or my other yoga classes, so 2013 should prove to be an interesting year.

Complete Exhaustion, and Blueberry Oat Bars

Weeeell I am travelling for work again - this is probably the last time I'll have any work-related travel for a while, but man was I not looking forward to this trip.  Despite our day of doing nothing on Saturday, I managed to remain completely sleep deprived through the weekend and the last thing I wanted to do early on Monday morning was get on a plane.

Monday was basically the worst.  I wanted to fall asleep all day...like, literally all day.  On the plane, in the car on the way to the client site, during back-to-back meetings with said client...you get the idea. Luckily I made it through the day, and had a delicious dinner and some wine with co-workers.

And then...I got 9 hours of sleep.  We didn't have to be anywhere until 10am, so I popped downstairs for a 2.5 mile run on the treadmill, did a 30 minute YogaGlo with Elena Brower (yoga for travelers!), and had a leisurely breakfast of coffee and oatmeal from the FREE breakfast buffet.  I felt like a new woman.

Plus, our client has an amaaaazing cafeteria.  Like, ridiculous amounts of awesome.  I think our cafeteria is pretty slick, but they have FALAFEL WRAPS.  I almost died.  My eyes may or may not have been a bit larger than my stomach and I ended up ordering the falafel wrap (falafel, chili sauce, lettuce, tomato, tatziki and onion in a spinach wrap) and two side salads.  It wasn't 1am Falafel King, but it was delicious... it was also a LOT of food and I only ended up eating about half of it.

Get in my belly.

I also had reinforcements in my purse ;)

Duh

Now I'm chilling in bed in my pajamas, writing this blog and watching the How I Met Your Mother season finale.  Excellent use of Cloud Cult, HIMYM...you almost made me cry.  Almost.

So that's my thrilling life.  To make up for the lack of action on my end, I give you Blueberry Banana Breakfast Bars!  I saw Sweet Tater's recipe for raw breakfast bars and couldn't resist giving it a shot.  Here is my version!

BLUEBERRY BANANA BREAKFAST BARS
- 2 bananas
- 2 tablespoons almond butter
- 2 cups rolled oats (not instant)
- 2 tablespoons flaxseed meal/ ground flaxseeds
- 1/2 teaspon vanilla
- 4 tablespoons dried blueberries
- a couple of handfulls of roasted unsalted almonds, chopped into smallish pieces

In the microwave, heat the bananas and almond butter until they are "melted" and easy to smash and mix together.  Then...smash them and mix them together.  Add the oats, flaxseed meal, vanilla and blueberries and stir to combine.

Pour into a loaf pan, sprinkle almonds over the top and smash with all of your might!  Really - smash that sucker down until it is very dense and solid. Cool in the fridge for several hours or overnight, then remove and slice into six bars.  At this point I wrap them individually in saran wrap and put them back into the fridge, so I can easily throw one in my bag as I rush out the door 10 minutes later than planned.  Such is life.

Hope you're having a great week!

Delicious

Well, I hate to speak too soon as it's only 1pm, but today has just been an awesome day.  This is in contrast to yesterday, which found me texting my friend at 5:30pm that I wasn't going to make happy hour because a) I had more work to do and b) "if I don't get some yoga I might die."  No one ever said I lacked a flair for the dramatic. 

12 hour days...they are so fun though.  Anyway, part of my work-related stress (which you've been hearing a lot about lately...sorry...) is related to my ongoing...um, normal job... but a significant chunk was also coming from an additional project I've been working on (still at work just out of the scope of my daily activities), which has been a huge pain in my ass lately.

Essentially, the assignment was: "This product appears to suck.  You are to please figure out why this is and what we should do about it."  There was also a pretty tight deadline and a fair amount of visibility.

I would not say things started out execptionally well.  I spent several weeks digging through reams of reporting, requesting more data, going levels deeper into the data I already had, and finding nothing.  So basically I was sitting on a looming deadline and no answer. 

THEN...about a week and a half ago I got that one, key piece of information that unlocked the whole issue, everything just fell into place and I knew exactly what I needed to do.  Unfortunately, "exactly what I needed to do" was complex and involved a ton of work, and the looming deadline was still just as looming, so it's pretty much been balls to the wall for the past two weeks to get this thing finished and presentation-ready.  Plus, you know, the rest of my job.

Then on Tuesday, my boss mentioned that hey, this is great but it would be really cool if you built a product value model too.  So last night I did not go to happy hour because I instead was busy messing around in excel to finish the aforementioned value model.

Point being, I presented my work today so that beast is FINALLY done with.  Plus, even more to the point, it went really  really well and both my boss and my boss' boss said it was great.  Phew.

Oh, and we also ran out of time and didn't get to the value model during the meeting.  So...there's that.  Vegas Lounge, I passed you up for naught.  Except not actually, because even though I didn't actually present the model I (or someone else) will probably end up using it in the future.

So yes - good day!  And then I ate a delicious salad for lunch - baby spinach, arugala, grilled tempeh and apple, with homemade maple mustard vinegrette.  Normally I like the apple pieces much smaller, but this is what happens when you have to slice an apple with a janky plastic cafeteria knife - ginormous apple chunks.  I also usually put warm roasted butternut squash on this baby, which is pretty much the best part...but sadly I have not had time to roast a squash :(   Poor me, my life, wah, etc etc.

Yum

Anyways it looks like we are FINALLY going to have a nice weekend!  MN has been in an unfortunate pattern of being gorgeous during the week and then raining all weekend, so I'm excited to actually be outside during the day.  Miracle of miracles. 

Tonight Ben and I are attending not one, but two musical events - a performance by a friend of mine from choir (Schoenberg's Pierrot Lunaire to be exact and anyone who knows what I am talking about will hopefully be as pumped as I am.  This thing never gets performed live!), and then the Mayfly Rooks CD release show at the 331! 

We've also decided that tomorrow we are doing absolutely nothing.  Maybe going to Target and yoga, but other than that we have big plans for the couch, Punch pizza, wine and old movies.  I'm hoping for a marathon of Rear Window, To Catch a Theif and the Apartment, but we shall see.

Happy FRIDAY!!

Cute pictures of my pets sleeping

This post is pretty much exactly what the title indicates.  I had a long day and pretty much all I want to do is stare at photos of adorable fuzzy creatures...so in case you also had a long day and need too stare at adorable photos, look no further.

I feel like all I do on this blog lately is bitch and whine, and sorry about that...but sometimes, a girl's gotta vent.  I came back from an amazing weekend in Boston (recap coming) to a) a cold, b) snow (???) and c) the most stressful email inbox ever.  Would lighting my laptop on fire and running over it repeatedly with my car help?  Sometimes I wonder.

But seriously, no I would never do that.  Plus it wouldn't work.

Really though...if I laughed villanously while assassinating my computer it might work maybe?

Probably not.

So animal photos.  It should be noted that these pictures were all taken on the same day...within a span of about two hours.  That should give you a pretty good idea of the level of laziness we are working with here.  Behold - Mini and Sid:

Mini creeping over my shoulder

I do not understand how this could possibly be comfortable

...I also wish I could do this at work

LOVE ME

An hour later when they puke everywhere, I won't even be able to get mad because how???

Luckily, when I have a long day I also have awesome co-workers who share my slightly warped sense of humor, and who send me uplifting tidbits such as the following:

Happy thoughts?

...and some days, I remember that I just need to give myself a reality check.  Everything will be fine. It is not the apocolypse, I and everyone I love is still alive, and tomorrow is another day.

Amen.

Well happy Monday!  I'm back on the blogging bandwagon I think...life is sort of stabilizing so look for Boston recaps and cake recipes coming up.

Holy Moly

Ben is on Spring Break this week, which means that while I'm slaving away at work, he is sending me photos such as this one:

Cuddles plz

Seriously.  How am I supposed to get any work done after that.

Also, today is Holy Week.  For some people, this means they get good Friday off.  For others such as myself, it means that we have choir rehearsals and services almost every night this week.  But you know, it's all good because on Sunday we get candy and brunch.

This Sunday was palm Sunday, which at my church involves all of the small children (literally, all of them) waving palm fronds as they process.  This is just a hot mess because a) you're giving children objects which can be used for waving in the air and hitting other children, and b) inevitably someone's palm frond breaks, resulting in tears.  The adult choir also has to carry palm fronds.  This is just silly because we end up holding the fronds along with our music folder, introit book and hymnal...and this time we had another extra book to carry as well.  Ridiculous...nobody is that coordinated.

Also, on Sunday I somehow managed to lose Ben's car key while in the process of running home between services because earlier that morning, I forgot to turn off the coffee pot.  After that I made rye crumble bars because sometimes, all you can do is bake it out.  Luckily, Mini managed to unearth the car key in the process of pulling the contents of our dining room table onto the floor.  So helpful.

Honestly, that's all I've got.  I led a 4-hour brainstorming session today and my brain is completely fried.  My body is also fried after a 90-min yoga class, but in a good way.  Take a lesson from my ridiculous cat and sleep well.

The best laid plans of mice and men...

...are no match for your pets.

Yesterday, most of my team ended up in the same all-day culture training that I went through on the 12th.  As a result, I had only three meetings, all in the morning, and after lunch I was wide open. I thought I would take advantage of not having to actually be present in the office, and work from home.  "It will be perfect," I thought to myself.  "I can cuddle the pets, work on some presentations in my sweatpants...brilliant."

Well.  I got home, set up my computer and was all set to get down to business when I smelled a foul odor.  The odor seemed to be coming specifically from the cat.  It didn't take me long to figure out that Mini had somehow manged to poop herself and then step in it.  Lovely

Natrually, I immediately tried to clean it up with numerous paper towels and soap.  After about five minutes of epic cat-bathing faliure I gave up and decided to lock Mini in the back hallway until Ben got home, because honestly, you try to wash dried poop off of your cat's leg while simultaneously holding them still and also trying to avoid multiple puncture wounds.

Once Mini was safely in solitary confinement away from all furniture, rugs and humans, I took Sid for a nice long walk around the neighborhood.  About five minutes into our stroll, I heard his tummy make a distinct gurgling sound.  This is never a good sign.  Usually it happens after he decides to have a little snack from Mini's litter box, which can happen if I'm not paying attention...which I definitely was not while wrestling with Mini and her soiled foot/leg.

Sometimes he has a horrible reaction afterwards...and sometimes nothing happens at all.  I decided to just wait it out, get some work done, and try to keep him off the furniture.  Of course, while I was answering emails he managed to scoot past me and puke all over the living room carpet. 

Instead of getting more work done at home, I ended up getting less done...and spending most of my time cleaning.  If those two weren't so damn adorable...we would have problems.



"We will poop everywhere and you will still love us"

And on that appetizing note...happy Friday!

The Farm of Pizza, and other shenanigans

Updates on a few of the important things in life:

Moving
I would normally post tons of photos of our new place, but sadly we currently appear to be living in a bad episode of Hoarders, and who wants to see that? No one, really.  In our exhaustion after moving everything we own from Minneapolis to St. Paul, we just haven't had the energy to unpack so everything is piled in random boxes.  To keep my sanity, I have to have at least one room that doesn't look like a war zone, and that room has become the office.  I refuse to let any unpacked boxes enter this room and will guard the entrance with my life if need be.

I am not great at moving.  I can promise at least one mental breakdown, usually around the point when you feel like you've packed and hauled everything on the planet, only to realize you're maybe about halfway there.  This is when I get ruthless and start purging recklessly.  I think that at some point on Saturday afternoon, at the end of my rope, I started yelling that EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT IN THE CAR IN ONE HOUR IS GOING IN THE GARBAGE.  Because that is completely logical, and also earth friendly.  Luckily, Ben is there as my sanity foil and his utterly calm demeanor makes me realize that I am in fact acting like a crazy person.

Grading
Unfortunately, our move coincided not-so-conveniently with Ben's end of quarter grades being due, so he has been up until the wee hours of the morning grading like a mofo.  Lest you feel too bad for him, he also has spring break next week, which means that when I leave for work at 6:45, he will be cuddling the pets in his sweatpants on the couch.  It all evens out I guess?

Work
Work is just... crazy.  There's no other way to describe it.  First, we have several major projects launching in the next two months, and that in and of itself is a big deal.  Second, my main contact in marketing started her maternity leave last Thursday....and her colleague who is filling in for her out on PTO this week.  And a bunch of marketing-related issues completely blew up at the beginning of last week, before everyone took off leaving me basically holding the bag. I have no idea who has communicated what to whom, who has which files and what the damn process is for getting this shit figured out.  I'm not complaining - just, I have a lot of work right now, which on top the move is a bit crazy-making.

Pizza
Luckily, in the midst of chaos...there is Pizza Farm.  Pizza Farm is just what it sounds like: a farm that makes Pizza.  The only downside to Pizza Farm is that a) it is in Stockholm, WI about an hour and twenty minutes from the Twin Cities, and b) it is hella crowded most of the time.  Normally, parked cars extend at least a quarter of a mile down the road, and the wait for pizza is about an hour.  Still, totally worth it.

HOWEVER... and I'm almost hesitant to say this because I feel like I'm giving away my new most favorite secret.... I think the best discovery since Pizza Farm is the fact that Pizza Farm is open in March.  Nobody thinks to go there in the spring...which is understandable, because usually we still have snow on the ground.

But, since the weather here has been summery and lovely of late, we thought March Pizza Farm sounded like a brilliant idea (I still brought a warmish jacket and scarf though, because it is Minnesota and I am not a total idiot).  We expected there to be a modest crowd, given the weather...but there were literally probaly 10 people there, total.  We got our pizza in like 10 minutes, and had the entire space in front of the pizza barn to ourselves.  We ate pizza, drank wine and beer, played frisbee, and basically had an awesome time.

Plus, the drive out to the farm is GORGEOUS.  If you take 10 to 35, you drive right along lake Pepin, and the view is spectacular.  I would go out there regularly just for the drive. 

There are definitely pros to summer Pizza Farm though - longer daylight hours, less cold, more pizza options, delicious summer veggies, lamb sausage... etc.  But, spring Pizza Farm definitely has its perks, and we're hoping to take advantage of it at least once more.

Full disclosure - these photos are from a previous Summer Pizza Farm excursion...

mmmm garlic....

Waiting for pizza

Yes folks... it really is that exciting....

Inconsistency
One thing that completely sucks about being this busy, moving etc, is that while moving and work are driving me bananas, I have less time to do the things that keep me sane.  I haven't cooked or baked anything in weeks, and my yoga practice is down to 1-2 times a week which is not ideal.  I'm pretty sure there is an inverse relationship between frequency of yoga and frequency of moving-related meltdowns.  Someone should graph this.  I would, but I hate all graphs right now.

So - I have made a promise to myself that I am going to yoga TOMORROW.  Whether this happens in Minneapolis or St Paul has yet to be determined, but it is definitely happening.  Also, these little dudes have me inspired to get baking immediately.  I have no idea where my springform pan is, or my whisk, or really any kitchen supplies....but that's nothing a little rummaging and creativity can't fix.  Rye Crumble Bars by Saturday.  Keep me honest, people.

Amen.

'night :)

Aim for Grateful

Note: I wrote this on Thursday, but I posted it today...so when I say "today" I mean Thursday...

this is a random photo of me looking like a
professional adult.  weeeeeee...

Well, the last couple of days have been...interesting.  For purely logistical reasons related to cats and my parents being out of town, I'll be spending a couple of nights alone at our new place this week in order to be more centrally located.  And by "alone" I mean "sleepover with Mini."

To answer your burning questions: no, we have no furniture in the new place.  Or food, or cooking supplies, or...anything. Luckily, my parents were kind enough to leave a roll of toilet paper and a shower curtain, so at least hygeine is taken care of.

I did plan ahead by packing our (super-awesome) air mattress and an extra blanket.  I was actually pretty pumped to sleep on the air mattress - this thing is amazing.  It inflates in seconds and is ridiculously comfortable.  I've used it for a number of previous housing transitions, and even slept on it on occasion during Christmas break from college, when we had 9 people staying at my parents house.

However, upon attempting to inflate the mattress, I discovered that the latch on the air valve is completely broken.  I looked in every cupboard, hoping that my mom had left some fixer-upper type materials. No such luck.  She was much too thorough in cleaning up after herself...I should have anticipated this.  In utter desperation I attempted to plug the valve using a t-shirt and a plastic target bag.  Unsurprisingly, this did not work.

After my fun night of sleeping on the floor, I woke up bright and early to get on the road to work, with my Starbucks coffee and breakfast sammich in tow.  For some reason I was convinced that traffic would be horrible and that it would take a bazillion hours to drive from St. Paul to Golden Valley.  It took 20 minutes.  I was safely at my desk typing emails by 7:10.  So...there's that.

About 10 minutes later, my phone rang. It was Ben. "Did you get my message?" he asked. The tone of his voice indicated that something had gone awry.

"Ummm...no?"

Long story short...Ben took Sid for his morning walk, realizing only too late that he didn't have his keys and was thus locked out.  Our neighbor let him into the building, but he was still SOL because everything he needed for the day was inside the apartment, which was also locked. Not to mention there was no way of getting Sid back inside. So.  Sidney is at my in-laws for the day, and Ben is at work, teaching without a computer.  Good thing our new front door does not lock automatically.

What does any of this have to do with being grateful?  Absolutely nothing.  I'm just amused by my life and wanted to talk about it.

So gratitude.  I don't think I mentioned this, but on Monday my team went through a day-long "culture training." I was skeptical going in, but aside from being trapped in a windowless room for 9 hours it was really not too bad. It was basically a day of self-reflection and what we can all do to be better leaders and act with integrity.  No kool-aid in sight.

One of the things we discussed was the "mood elevator."  Here it is:

...nope...

...there we go.

Two things on this mood elevator really stood out to me.  1) That the top of the elevator is "grateful", and 2) that the transition point from negative to positive is "curious."  In order to get to understanding and positive, we have to start asking questions.  When we're in a bad place, we need to be spacious and open to possibility - asking "why" instead of immediately judging something as good or bad.

I love the following quote from David Steindl-rast: "In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."  I couldn't agree more.  When we remind ourselves to find the beauty in where we are rather than complain about where we're not, we are not only happier, but infinitely more capable. Opportunities we didn't see before become visible.

Yes, this is life and shitty things happen.  I don't think that looking for the good in something bad equates to denial - although I've heard people make that argument, I think they're completely wrong.  It's not about trying to pretend that the bad stuff isn't bad - it's about being open to the possibility that something good could come from it. I would never look back at something horrible and say "hey - I'm really glad that happened." But I can be grateful for the strength, growth and self-knowledge I was able to cultivate only because this bad thing happened.  No mud, no lotus.

Late last year, I lost a friend - someone who should have been a shining light in our lives for a long time.  I will never think that he should have died, and I will never not be sad that the world lost him too soon.  But I'm not angry about it anymore. My anger wasn't serving anyone - it wasn't even perceptible to the people who hurt him, and it obviously wasn't bringing him back.  All I can do is be thankful to have known him.

We talked a lot about gratitude in the immersion, and I've been making a conscious effort to view the world through that lens.  When the sun is shining, be grateful for the sun.  When it rains, be grateful for the rain.  Revel in the small things, and they will give infinitely back.

Well, this has been a little bit random.  All of that rambling just to say...that when we were asked to put together "I will..." statements at the end of the training, one of mine (I had like 8...I may have gotten a little overzealous with the "I will..." statements...), my first one was "I will aim for grateful."  That certainly doesn't mean I'll always get there - just that I'll try to make it my aim, all the time.

I'll still have my judgmental moments... and irritated and anxious moments.  But at those times, if I aim for grateful, maybe I'll at least end up at curious :)

Update: I tried the duct tape/mattress strategy.  Total fail.  But...I'm grateful...that I have a floor to sleep on?  Maybe?  OK apparently I still need to work on this whole thing...

The Great Bechamel Disaster of 2012

Hey there y'all!  I am writing from the thrilling locale of Fort Worth, Texas.  It's actually been a great trip, and my co-workers and I have had a great time bonding (and working too, obviously... :) ).  Today we had a 2 hour drive, and stopped for lunch at Rudy's BBQ.  It was AWESOME - some of the best BBQ I've ever had, and the three-bean salad is quite excellent as well.

However...the giant helping of BBQ Turkey + 2 hours in the car is not sitting so well in my stomach right now...bleh.  Also it turns out that my initial instinct to pack my own tea was spot-on, because there is NO TEA in this hotel.  Not only is there none to be found in the room, but even at breakfast they only serve coffee.  I love coffee in the morning, but right now my tummy really wants a damn cup of tea.  Oh well...live and learn :(  At least I can heat up some water in my room.  And the fresh fruit I packed has definitely come in handy.


View from my roooooooooooooooom

 I'd never worked in corporate before this summer, so this whole "business travel" thing is quite new to me.  Like, I know I'm here for work but it just blows my mind that someone else is paying for my plane ticket and hotel.  And I feel so guilty putting things on my company card.  Even though I know we're supposed to use it for meals, inside my head I'm like, "but I would have eaten food today anyway..."  But, when I hear stories (from other companies) of the things that people's boss's boss's boss's bosses have supposedly expensed, I no longer feel guilty at ALL.

The last time I visited our client down here, I wore full-on business attire because I was all "hey we're going to visit a cusomter, I should look AWESOME."  Well, it turns out they are super casual and I stuck out like a sore thumb. So this time I toned it down a bit with mostly jeans, flats and nice tops.  Still not, you know, sweatpants, but just not as intimidating as suits and heels.  Making sure that the way you dress doesn't make others feel put off or uncomfortable is more important than looking uber-professional sometimes.  If people feel like they can't relate to you because you're wearing a suit and look like an investment banker, it's hard to build a relationship.


Workin it.


In a related story except not at all, Ben and I went to an Italian cooking class last week!  It was super fun and we learned a lot...and I am also pretty sure I ate all of the butter on the planet (or at least most of it was - the rest was in my pizza last night, or in the ridiculous dessert that followed).  One of the dishes we made was a crespelle lasagna, which is basically a lasagna made with crepes instead of noodles. The crepes were layered with bechamel, parmasean cheese and prosciutto - so essentially we were eating butter and eggs, layered with butter and cream, cheese, and meat, repeat several times and bake.

Practicing for when I become a famous chef

...and competetive eater (JK.  Never.)

There was, however, one unfortunate thing that happened during this cooking class.  That unfortuate thing was my attempt at Bechamel.  I will say right off the bat that I do not believe this was my fault!!  Trust me - if it was, I would own it, but here is the sad tale of last Thursday's Bechamel.

I've only made bechamel once in my life, and it did NOT turn out well.  But, this was back in college when my cooking skills were pretty minimal.  Now that I can at least make a decent roux, I was pretty confident I could master the Bechamel.  Plus, no one else in my group had EVER made one before. 

If you've never made bechamel, you probably know that this is not something you should just dive into with no instruction.  But that's exactly what happened - they just handed us the recipe and were like "OK go for it."  No demo, no detailed instructions, nothing.  It's a little intimidating to make something like that on the spot if you've never done it before, and sauces can be kind of touchy and time-sensitive.

Still somewhat confident, I added my butter and flour to the pan and started whisking away.  The next step, obviously, was to add the milk and cream - the only problem with this was that the teacher was in the process of heating up everyone's milk and cream over the stove, so we all had to wait until it was ready and then receive our milk and cream individually.  My roux wasn't quite ready yet, so I just kept whisking and stirring until I got it to what I thought was the proper color.  I asked the teacher if she thought it looked ready and she responded that it needed to be a little darker.  I didn't think it did, but whatever lady you're the boss...so I returned it to the heat.

As I continued to whisk, the teacher (who seemed *really* frazzled and was finally starting to pass out milk...but not to me yet...) walked by, looked at my roux, and declared that it needed more flour.  One of the obliging assistants came by with extra flour and proceeded to add some.  At this point, I was sweating and my arm was getting tired, and Ben was over by the teacher's stove waiting to pounce on the next batch of milk/cream that came available, so I was basically defenseless against the coming onslaught of flour.

At first it was fairly harmless - just a couple of tablespoons.  I thought at this point that it looked fine, but the assistant would shake his head, go "hmm...maybe a little more," until he had added probably half a cup of extra flour.  That is a LOT of flour in this context.  Finally he declared it ready, just as Ben returned with the milk, and the roux was looking awfully dark.

I tried to incorporate the milk as Ben added it, one cup at a time...but after he had added all of the milk, it was clear that something was not right.  My bechamel hardened into a strange, smooth dough blob, and no matter how much I whisked it, it stayed solid.  I sent Ben back for more milk.  We added another cup, but it still looked like a weird blob, and was definitely too dark.

Our helpful assistant walked by again...and informed us that wow, we need more milk.
Yes.  We know.  Thanks.

We added another cup of milk...and then another...each time being told by the assistant that we needed MORE MILK.  At a certain point, the sauce finally started to come together a bit, but the consistency was still really weird, so I asked the assistant if he thought it was headed in the right direction.  Keep in mind, I have never made a successful bechamel.

His response?

"Oh, I have no idea, I've never done this before."

WHAT?!  You added about a bazillion cups of flour to my pot with an air of complete and total authority and now you're telling me you have NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE????!???  I was PISSED.  But I didn't say anything, I just finished my sad, rubbery, tannish Bechamel and layered my damn lasagna.  And then later the teacher told me in a very kind voice that the trick to the crespselle was "mastering the bechamel." 

Well.  Maybe I could have mastered the bechamel, had I not been the victim of a disastrous flour-bombing.  I'll try it again soon.  Maybe I'll make pastitsio.  Weeeeeeeee.

So, that's my story for the day.  Off for some yoga glo with Elena Brower and then out to dinner!  Catch y'all later!