I have no idea what I'm doing and neither does anyone else

There's a reason I don't write very much on here about my job. Well, two reasons.  First, a lot of what I work on is confidential, and second, it's just not that interesting to most people. It is interesting to me though, on multiple levels; the first level being "hey this project is interesting," and the second being "hey, how did I get in this position where I am driving technology when my background is in music and marketing and I have literally no IT experience?"

GOOD QUESTION.  

There's a scene in the movie The Avengers when they're off to battle space robots in New York City and Black Widow says to Hawkeye, "this is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for." I basically understand that feeling, minus the impending apocalypse and high probability of death. 

Most of my meetings with IT feel something like this:

IT: “OK so, if we connect the snagglefrozz jenkins witch to the dukenheim, we’ll have a daily woggle. Sound good?

Me: Um. Probably?

IT: But unless we upgrade the jam shizzle, it will not be luminous.

Me: K.  So that’s….bad?

…..

Me: good?

….

Me: I don’t know

IT: It would also cost 5 trillion dollars.

Me: OK then no. No jam shizzle upgrade.

Or sometimes this:

Me: Hey so, did you get a chance to submit the thing I need  in order to finish my work, so that I don’t lose funding for all of my Q2 projects?

Guy: No. I need more details.

Me: I thought you said I had answered all of your questions, but go for it, what else can I do for you?

Guy: I need to know what types of things you need in the web service.

Me: OK… you mean like, categories?

Guy: No, types.

Me:…like, is it a liquid, a gas, or a solid?

Guy: No. Like, is it a tiger.

Me: Ah ok. So, is it a tiger or is it a lion?

Guy: No. Like is it a tiger, or is it a tomato plant.

Me: Oh OK. So, animal, vegetable or mineral?

Guy: No. What types.

Me: Bengal tiger? White tiger?

Guy: No. The types.

Me: Are we playing 20 questions right now?

Guy: No.

Me: …..

Guy: ….

Me: Seriously, just tell me what you need and I will get it for you.

Guy: I need to know the types.

I also receive a lot of maddeningly unhelpful email responses:

Dear Billy Jo,

I heard that you are the resident expert on Jabberwokys. Our IT team is installing a new Jabberwoky trap and they need to know the expected volume of rogue Jabberwokys. I know the number will increase as we onboard more clients, but can you please send me a ballpark estimate of what you’re seeing right now, so I can pass it along to our trap architect?

Thanks!

Kristina

Kristina,

I’m don't know the exact number but I’m pretty sure it is less than eight billion. I guess it depends on the number of Jabberwokys that want to be trapped.

Billy Jo

I'm not really sure how to wrap this up other than to say, now you know what my job is like and hey we have a 4 day weekend coming up! Time to catch up on sleep, lots of yoga and delicious food with my family. Happy Tuesday!